Ponderings on Singleness

I wonder...

There's always been this question in my mind about whether or not more people are supposed to be called into singleness, but don't 'hear' it. I wonder if they don't hear it because the things in this life that consume them, manifest in their spirits as a gaping hole, and they want or feel they need to fill the hole with someone/something tangible. Particularly for those of us who have had more life than we'd prefer to have; who have a bazillion things to sort through; who keep peeling away the layers of the onion to reveal more and more what our heart truly desires... But some people have so many layers and some rotten spots that don't want to be touched because they are gross and stinky, so they go around them...

What has prompted my wondering about this is the fact that those of us who still are single...have obviously been called into singleness, at least for a time. It's obvious simply because of where we are and our 'status'. And it has occurred to me as a reflection of recent events, that perhaps *I* have been called to singleness...potentially indefinitely. There are parts of me that still yearn for companionship, but you know...the other day I was overwhelmed a little bit by this thing called companionship, and was contemplating a certain someone and his place in my life. I prayed about it, was instantly filled with the presence of the Lord and was instantly satisfied. Has he called me to draw near to Him as my soul source of companionship? Is worldly companionship something he is asking me to sacrifice for Him? If I allow myself to think about it for very long, I start feeling a little sad...because sacrificing means giving up something that has been attached to us. And the removal of something attached is never an easy procedure. (I once read a bumper sticker that said 'Attachment creates suffering', and it pierced me to my soul.)

And so...thinking about attachment...how many things keep us attached to the world? How many things do we not even realize have us attached?

And then... considering becoming attached again, if the Lord so wills it... how completely out of our hands the entire process is. And how many people really see or understand this? Today, I feel very much like an island...not that I have reached some superior knowledge, but there aren't many who can understand the perspective that has rested so peacefully in my spirit about this process. There is absolutely nothing we can do to ensure our placement with a companion, except follow Jesus. He is it; the all; the only One. And if He allows it (attachment to a companion), then we can take it. In the mean time, we are called to just abide in Him, one day at a time, without expectation.

Expecation is another thing... it causes suffering.

This devotional from My Utmost for His Highest is very good and hits the nail on the head.

God’s Purpose or Mine?He made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side . . . —Mark 6:45
We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" ( Mark 6:49 ). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

I'm so inspired by the depth of spiritual connection that Oswald Chambers has...I have often wondered how someone can understand this deeply and yet still abide in the world without so much resistance. I suppose I still have this expectation that I should act a certain way or be a certain way. I still am attached to the expectation that others have of me. But the Lord doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called...and He will unfold the path He would have for me...with or without my permission or expectation, or others' for that matter. So I should just get out of the way and allow Him to work in me the way He has predestined for me... But you know...Jesus did it. And there was resistance. And there was suffering. So the expectation that there will not be suffering, will have to be detached...

Have you ever felt like there isn't anybody available who understands where you are? I suppose of all the things that I struggle with, this is probably the greatest. The Lord understands. But the Lord doesn't allow the immediate answer that we so desire all the time...So immediate gratification also produces suffering...

Where is absolute calm and contentment? Is it even possible in the world? Did Oswald have absolute contentment? Does anybody on this side of eternity?

Legacy

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime. But a few days later he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

'I've been thinking,' he said, 'I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone.'

The Wise Woman's Stone
Author Unknown

I cannot seem to find the words these days to share what is bubbling inside. So, in place of my quieted voice, I find a little voice in other inspirational pieces.

The Real Meaning Of Peace

Author Unknown


There once was a king who offered a prize to the artist
who would paint the best picture of peace. Many artists
tried. The king looked at all the pictures. But there
were only two he really liked, and he had to choose
between them.
One picture was of a calm lake. The lake was a
perfect mirror for peaceful towering mountains all around
it. Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds.
All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect
picture of peace.

The other picture had mountains, too. But these were rugged
and bare. Above was an angry sky, from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all.

But when the king looked closely, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of the rush of angry water, sat the mother bird on her nest - in perfect peace.

Which picture do you think won the prize? The king chose the second picture. Do you know why?

"Because," explained the king, "peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace."

Crazy 8's MeMe

Because I'm completely at a loss for inspiration these days...here's s'more good junk about me...

Eight Things I Have A Passion For:
1. Jesus
2. My Sweet Baby Girl
3. Creativity
4. Ideas
5. Peace
6. Love
7. Joy
8. Wonder

Eight Things I Would Like To Do Before I Die:
1. Live my life in such a way that when I cross over, I am greeted with 'Well done, good and faithful servant...' Matt 25:23
2. Travel the world...
3. ...And take lots of pictures of it.
4. Love always, everyone, no exception. Because even the lowly and down-trodden need love without judgment.
5. Raise my daughter in such a way that she is proud of me.
6. Smile Lots. Worry less. Breathe deeply.
7. Embrace adversity; for beautiful things come from laborous efforts.
8. I want to live...before I die. Complacency is not an option.

Eight Things I Say A Lot:
1. I love you, baby.
2. Can I have a kiss?
3. Um, yeah, no. (inherited from my friend Brooke.)
4. Thank you, Jesus.
5. Oh...My...Gosh...
6. WooHoo! :)
7. Can I take your picture?
8. I repeat everything my baby says...

Eight Books I Have Read Recently:
1. The Bible
2. My Utmost For His Highest
3. Eat, Pray, Love
4. What Happens when Women say Yes to God
5. The Life you Crave
6. Blue Like Jazz
7. The Shack
8. Photoshop for Digital Photographers

Eight Movies I Have Seen Eight Times:
1. Love, Actually
2. August Rush
3. Hope Floats
4. The Lake House (love Sandra Bullock)
5. Green Mile
6. Broken Trail
7. Um... Don't watch many movies or TV
8. (Um, yeah, no)

Eight things you don’t know about me:
1. I served my country in the US Navy for 3 years.
2. I love Jesus and each day commit to radical obedience to His Will for me; even when it is uncomfortable, completely against the grain and not understood.
3. I was a Christian when I became pregnant with my daughter, out of wedlock. But by Grace, I have been saved and forgiven. Her name is Charis, which means Grace.
4. I am a ten. :) Born in the 10th month, 10th day; and if you add the year together, it is also 10. I'm a ten. Humbly, perfect in His sight. ;)
5. Bugs love me. No matter where I go, I am eaten alive.
6. When I was a young'n in grade skool, I used to love skool so much I would erase all my homework and do it over and over again. (Sure wish I had the time for do-overs now!)
7. I used to love purple as a teenager. And now I love purple again. I've even painted walls purple (Vintage Grape, to be exact)
8. I am a really big kid. :)

Love Letters

I was surfing the other day. Every now and then when I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by something, whether good or not so good, I take a trip out to the world wide never-never land to root up some inspiration. I feel very deeply most of the time, but don't always have the ability to articulate those depths. So it is helpful to find little tools and 'nuggets' from others to help spark the inspiration within.

While I was surfing, I bumped into this site... Love Letters ...(wonder what I was overwhelmed with on this day?) :)

Modern technology is great, but sometimes I miss the 'olden' days, when folks actually WROTE letters to one another; when personality and character and caring and feeling and emotion showed itself in the hand writing. When doodles and fun stuff could be added...diagrams and caricatures, perhaps random food droppings or tears stain the page of that moment. The connection to the past can be held onto with your hands in remembrance, and read and re-read over and over again to bring us back to a time and place that brings comfort and joy...

Another of my blog family has written of such a relationship and I remember when, myself...when I moved away from my hometown my Junior year in high school, when my best friend and I would write nothing short of a book to one another at least once a week. We needed each other. We were each other's lifeline. I still have those letters. They are buried at the moment, but I'm anxious to find them and 'remember when'...when life was simpler, but we thought at the time that it was so complicated and difficult. Before life got really complicated, there was unconditional love and support across the miles...held onto by unfading ink of varying colors and varieties.

This site listed above and reading the other blog post makes me want to take out my pen and start writing...to everyone that I love and who is important to me. I want them to know from my heart through my pen, in my very personal and distinct handwriting, how much I adore them. They say 'the song remembers when'...but how much more do words remember when...

And you know the greatest thing about the hand written word? There doesn't have to be a reason...just because is sufficient.

Touch of the Master's Hand

The Touch Of The Master's Hand
Myra Brooks Welch

It was battered and scarred,
And the auctioneer thought it
Hardly worth his while
To waste his time on the old violin,
But he held it up with a smile.
"What am I bid, good people", he cried,
"Who starts the bidding for me?"
"One dollar, one dollar, Do I hear two?"
"Two dollars, who makes it three?"

"Three dollars once, three dollars twice,
Going for three". . . but no!
From the room far back a gray-haired man
Came forward and picked up the bow;
Then wiping the dust from the old violin,
And tightening up the strings,
He played a melody, pure and sweet,
As sweet as an angel sings.

The music ceased and the auctioneer
With a voice that was quiet and low,
Said "What now am I bid for this old violin?"
As he held it aloft with its bow.
"One thousand, one thousand, Do I hear two?"
"Two thousand, Who makes it three?"
"Three thousand once, three thousand twice,
Going and gone", said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried,
"We do not quite understand.
What changed its worth?" Swift came the reply:
"The touch of the Master's hand."
And many a man with life out of tune,
And battered and scarred with sin,
Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd
Much like the old violin.

A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine,
A game and he travels on,
He's going once, and going twice -
He's going - and almost gone!
But the MASTER comes, and the foolish crowd,
Never can quite understand,
The worth of a soul, and the change that's wrought
By the touch of the MASTER'S hand.

Life is Random

I've said it before...when I lack inspiration, I miss it. I'm not lacking because there's something missing...there's just too much going on.

I just moved back into my condo.
Just took an impromptu trip to my hometown 500 miles away over the weekend.
I have another trip planned this coming weekend to Vegas...to shoot a wedding.
I had two photo shoots two weekends ago that I'm fervently trying to get prepared before the Vegas trip.
I'm living in the middle of my boxes and half done paint jobs because I don't have time to work on anything right now.
I think my little punkin' is feeling it because she's been very clingy and fussy lately. These are the moments of parenthood I feel awful and a little bit of a failure. She was really clingy this morning and demanding and I have to get ready for work so wasn't giving her my full attention. When I dropped her off, she clung to her nanny and snuggled in. :( Not that I don't appreciate the comfort that she has with her...I just wish I didn't have to rush off to work and could spend the time needed to snuggle and comfort my baby. My heart aches this morning. I hope the day goes by quickly.
And...there's a new love in my world. A very dear friend of mine has evolved into the most endearing person in my life (after my daughter, of course) ;). All I can say right now is that my cup has runneth over. :)

So...stay tuned to my photography blog because it will be busting at the seams soon.

MeMe

I am: a child of God, Mama, sister, daughter, friend. Serious, silly, witty, adventurous, challenging, simple, complex, kind, diverse, creative, broken, seeking, caring, intuitive, mindful, selfless, excitable, mellow. Able, bright, strong, meek, beautiful, faithful, loving, honest, responsible, warm, zany, self-conscious, confident, indifferent, happy, nutty, nurturing, open-minded, gentle. Did I mention diverse? :) Unique. Individual. Special. Blessed.

I think: inside, outside, and all around the box.

I know: nothing in my own understanding.

I want: nothing more than to see broken hearts healed.

I have: everything I will ever need.

I wish: for freedom from oppression for all.

I hate: the war that wages between good and evil.

I miss: my baby while I'm away at work.

I fear: not seeing some of my family in heaven.

I feel: like my heart is on the outside of my body since I've had my daughter.

I hear: heaven in the breath of a baby.

I smell: freshness and renewal in the rain.

I crave: companionship and understanding.

I search: for truth and honesty in all things.

I wonder: wonder wonder...who wrote the book of love.... :) (actually I do know who wrote it. But sing with me anyway! heehee)

I regret: nothing. Every decision I have made has brought me to the person I am today.

I love: because He first loved me.

I ache: for the hurting and broken hearted.

I am not: oh, but I am! :)

I believe: in love.

I dance: whenever I can. Always. When my body is not, my heart and soul are.

I sing: inside my head. And really loud in my truck. :)

I cry: when my baby hurts herself. at the joyful thought of giving birth - my own or others. I cry happy tears, sad tears, tears of joy, of sorrow, of triumph.

I don’t always: articulate my meaning so well. I only hope those who know me, know my heart and hear it louder than the words that might not come out so eloquently.

I fight: the good fight. For truth.

I write: when I am inspired.

I win: always...because I try always.

I lose: never.

I never: lash out at anyone.

I always: see the silver lining.

I confuse: d...yes sometimes I am. :)

I listen: to hearts, not just words.

I can usually be found: behind my camera.

I am scared: of the thought of something happening to my daughter.

I need: Jesus.

I am happy: Yes. :)

I imagine: how wonderful it will be to sit at the feet of the Father and finally come to understand all the complexities of this world.

Fun Stuff

Build You one! :) (Here)

Lighten Up! :)

I'm bored to tears at work. Working on, waiting for everyone else so I can finish what I need to work on. So while I'm waiting...I'm reading fun blogs. And I realize...how totally serious and heavy some, okay MOST, of my posts are...And I think to myself...Life doesn't have to be so SERIOUS all the time! :) I'm not this serious all the time in real life. I'm actually quite a silly character. If I could only get it out of my head and onto blog paper for the world to know that I don't ALWAYS take life so seriously! But ya know... I don't seem to know how to be so witty when I'm writing. It seems my wit and silliness peeps out with no notice and always when I'm around people. So when I'm blogging, I'm by myself. Hm. How to bridge the gap. I can't know at the moment. ? :O/

Navigating the Terrain of Broken'ness

I've mentioned in a former post that I have other blogs that are private. I don't always feel like the 'world' is a safe place to share some of the struggles I have in this life, so I keep my thoughts held captive from an audience that might pass judgment. That assumption in itself is judgmental...Perhaps when I remove the pole from my own eye, I can see others more clearly. What I have found over time is that honesty, integrity, and a touch of vulnerability through the journey actually gains respect and compassion; not judgment. Being real and raw and just being humble enough and vulnerable enough to share the journey with others...taking a giant leap of faith to trust that those God brings into our fellowship will care for, encourage and lift us up through whatever struggles we may have. Trust. We don't have control over the environment into which we were born and raised. But with the realization and assistance of a kind and caring and gentle Father who only wants to love us, we can make it through anything.

I am scared. Right now. Not about anything life threatening or devastating...but about a particular something 'right' happening. I've lived a life of bitter disappointment and hurt and the wounds run deep. I'd venture to guess that a greater part of the population has equally as deep wounds or even deeper, so I'm in good company. It takes a great deal of bravery and courage to climb out of the trenches. We don't see either of these characteristics in ourselves through the thick of the journey...perhaps someday someone might mention how brave we've become to have endured so much and successfully climb our way out and to the top...shining. Thus far I've scaled many a mountain and have cleared some pretty significant hurdles. I'm a completely different person than I was 4 years ago...when I had no hope or direction. I was a victim of my circumstances and didn't know how to view anything but through the bitter, hurt and broken eyes of my soul, reacting to anything and everything that was hurled my way. Today I deal with some residual 'stuff'...stuff that doesn't and can't really show itself until you find yourself in the middle of a new process. A process that is familiar in the traditional sense, but a completely new process when redefining the core of who we are; our values and beleifs.

Relationships.

How does one enter a relationship without fear and trepidation and with complete confidence, after a lifetime of disappointment? I look back to my 'first love' days when everything was new and exciting and scary...but welcomed with open arms. 'Didn't really have anything to be afraid of because I hadn't yet tasted the bittersweet agony of disappointment and hurt. Over time we somehow allow the original wound to be cut open and salt poured in...over and over...until the scar tissue becomes so thick it will take a master surgeon to cut through and navigate.

The good news is that I happen to be in acquaintance with THE master surgeon, Himself. When going in for surgery of any kind, it behooves us to trust and have faith in the knowledge and skill of the surgeon's hands. I can't imagine how messy it would be if I fought the intricate process of removing the thing that ails me. No, cut here...wait...don't cut there. How frustrating it must be for the surgeon to have constant interference. But isn't that what we do? We step in, we interfere, we redirect, we insert unnecessaries, we try to control and manipulate and find our own way. What a glorious feat to just allow Him to do His work in us. We feel no pain under the influence of novacain. Could God's warm embrace be the surgeon's novacain? If we would just allow Him to hug us without struggling to see what is over His shoulder or under His arm or behind His back, or even behind us as we embrace. Relax...into the embrace and abide in His very presence and allow His warmth, loving heart and masterful surgeon hands to do a work in us.

So long as I consciously remain in this place and trust His provision and guidance, His promises will prove fruitful. But just as we cannot see the day to day growth of a fruit bearing tree...we one day suddenly realize there is fruit there!...I, too, must be patient with the process' of my growth...and trusting that His perfect design will guarantee that an apple tree will birth apples. Thus far I've been given truth and evidence that a tree has been planted. What kind of fruit it bears remains to be seen.

(The video has no relevance...but close your eyes and listen to the song...)



Sanctus Real - I'm Not Alright
Album: The Face Of Love

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

Chorus:
I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to You
It leads me to You

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
‘Cause honestly I’m not that strong

Chorus:

And I move (3x’s)
And I move closer to you
And I move (3x’s)
And I move closer to you
And I move (3x’s)

Chorus:

I’m not all right that’s why I need you

Purpose

This weekend was so hugely pregnant with amazing'ness. Have you ever seen a woman's tum who has multiples in there? Yeah...that was this weekend. I can't count how many baby ideas/concepts/miracles were there...countless (ow...my tummy hurts thinking about the stretching!)...but with the birth of these new ideas, there are no labor pains. Easy, effortless delivery...one right after another. I will be swooning in the aftermath for months, I'm sure.

I was reading through my blog posts here, and I feel this desperate sense of wanting for a purpose. I 'know' in my heart that my purpose is to live a life that is glorifying to God and to be obedient to the will He would have for me. While I know this, there's always been a bit of a disconnect. I've often sought after the structure that would bridge the gap between what I know and what I feel is true. Feelings are not always valid, but they dictate what we believe to be true. At least for me.

This weekend, I heard it over and over and over again from my peers...I feel maybe God is calling me to do this; maybe God brought me through that in order to serve here; I sense a calling to there... Everyone wants to have and know their purpose. My own eyes have been opened hugely to a new perspective on the matter. I started to really HEAR what I was saying...the way I was approaching every circumstance in my life. Without even realizing it, I was trying to 'control' the outcome of certain thoughts...as if to ensure my 'purpose' was met. If I 'feel' a certain way, then it must be true...so I should continue to press on those 'feelings' to validate that this thing was, in fact, my purpose...at least for this moment in time.

We can make anything happen in our lives by the power of our thinking. I don't mean this in the new age sense that 'we are in control of our own destiny'... I mean...without the proper God perspective, we continue to try to drive this life of ours by our thoughts. I was AMAZED at the freedom I found this weekend. My mind was FINALLY placed into the right God perspective and I feel so fortunate to have 'found' this truth! How many Christians live their entire life without this perspective and fight feverishly to 'measure up' to some cosmic standard they think they have to follow in order to secure their 'purpose'?

This truth all points to 'abiding in Him'. Right now. My purpose for His Kingdom is right now. Living IN HIM. I do not need to know my purpose for tomorrow, until tomorrow comes. As long as I'm living RIGHT NOW, I'm fulfilling the purpose He would have for me. When a bridge approaches that needs to be crossed, He will cross it with me. I may see it ahead in the distance, but there are certain earthly laws in place that would dictate that while I can see it, I can't cross it until I get to it.

It is unbelievable the burden that has been lifted from my shoulders because of this. I sense a dramatic shift in my speaking in the past couple of days because I can now HEAR that I am trying to drive. It is written that it is good for us to have plans. Plans are necessary for a lot of things in this life. But between the plans for tomorrow and the right now, I can't let the moment slip away because I allow myself to become preoccupied with the details of what is happening THEN... I must only know what to do today...the details will follow suit in each passing moment until tomorrow comes to pass.

FREEDOM!

Random Thoughts / Inspiration

I have a thousand fantastic ideas/thoughts running through my mind today. I really want to write and for lack of any direction, I'm just going to start blurting stuff out. Maybe it will take on some form.

Ugh. Did you know...Ugh...if rearranged just a little tiny bit...is a hug? I discovered this past weekend that in the Ugh's of life...I'll step out of it, and into the HUG that is so much more comfortable. :) It's simple. But wow that a simple shift in perspective can create such a dramatic change/feeling/outlook. So...bring on the UGHS! Lots more HUGS! :)

As I was leaving the beach retreat, I turned right instead of left. I had a destination in mind, but it ended up that the map in my mind was a little out of focus. I was thinking south, and I went north. I've learned to embrace the detours of life, whether intentional or not. Once it occurred to me that I was going the opposite direction (I don't say 'wrong' direction because wrong would mean there there is an absolute 'right' way for everything. Is there?) than intended, a choice crossed my mind...I could turn around and go back, or I can accept the detour and embrace what lies ahead. I'm going to get home regardless of the direction I'm pointed. I thought...how much more scenic our life would be if we consiously decided to take a different route every time. How full the tapestry of our lives would be if we were able to look at and take in the multitude of landscapes that are rich and ripe for our pickins if we choose. So many times I choose to take the road most travelled because it seems 'easier'. It requires no brainwork because I already know what to expect. Some days there is some comfort in routine, when exhaustion overtakes me, then I just hit 'auto pilot' and allow the routines of life to take me wherever they will. The reality is that they don't take me anywhere. They ground me to one place and complacency becomes the theme of the day. The tapestry is flat and lifeless. It is one color...that fades from the sun shining on it in the same place in the same way, every single day. I think this life is worth LIVING! What amazing wonders God has created for us to explore. And the unanticipated surprises that lie ahead, when we're not looking. Aren't gifts great? Aren't they the greatest when you're not anticipating them?

Detour...a deviation from a direct course of action. I think that detour is a concept created by the need for control. A detour means going around the intended way. What if...there is no 'intended way' that is the same for everyone? This way may work for you, but it doesn't work for me. Does it mean I'm wrong? Notsomuch.

When living with an eternal perspective, it occurs to me that whatever expectation I have in my mind is all about control. Whatever 'control' I think I have, is an illusion. I have no control. I may have the ability to pick a path, but He guides my steps. Every time, without fail, that *I* decide I'd like to see something happen a certain way, it invariably goes astray. Hm. Perhaps what I desire of this life are not the best for me. Perhaps if I listen to the voice of my Father, He will guide me down a path that is less painful and more fruitful and beautiful than anything I could ever imagine. My steering wheel is broke. 'Jesus take the wheel'. Take me down the road less travelled so that I might experience more fully the wonder of it all.

I gently guide my daughter away from things that may be harmful to her. She doesn't know or understand why they are harmful to her, but its up to me to watch out for these things for her. So should I, listen to the gentle guidance of my Father, who knows and understands the things that are harmful to me. I am but a child who doesn't know everything. :)

The Hug Zone

I went on a retreat this past weekend. I love retreats. There's nothing like being able to get away from the fray and just 'being' for a while. Of course two beach trips a week apart isn't so bad, either. :)(Stay tuned for beach shots on my photography blog.)

Mmmm...where do I start... First, our retreat theme was about 'the Hug Zone'. :) In a nutshell, we are in the eternal embrace of our Heavenly Father. He is always with us. Allowing Him to keep His arms around us is an extended definition of 'abiding in Him.' Abiding, being, existing, in the present moment, present embrace...the embrace that never ceases unless we choose to step out of the hug.

Aren't hugs so comforting? The best kind are the full, complete frontal arms wrapped all the way around variety, where hearts become one. This is where our Father holds us, always. I find peace beyond measure here. Nothing can touch me here...

I'm kinda speechless at the moment. I'll return in a bit. :)

Heavenly

There's not a real video in here, but the song holds some significance for me at the moment... Mountain Moving Moments. :)God Rocks!

New Logo...

:) Check out my new logo on my photography blog! :)

Isn't it fun?! :)

Abiding in Him

I took a trip to the beach this past weekend. In Oregon it's seems a rarity to find sunshine at the beach. It's generally cloudy, usually raining, and windy. This weekend, I didn't care. I go to the beach, to breathe, regardless of the weather. There's something so awesome about the ocean that puts my place into perspective...I'm very tiny, and the Creator of such an expanse of water is so mighty and powerful and great. If He can tame the oceans, why not allow Him to tame the little waves of my life? It overwhelms me sometimes.

Saturday turned out to be the most perfect beach day one could ask for. It was in the low 70s, sunshiny, and just a hint of a gentle breeze. I am so grateful.

Any time I go to the beach, I find peace and comfort and the sound of the crashing waves are the arms of God, embracing me and my stay there. I make it a point to listen... Life, in all its craziness, rushing here and there, juggling baby and laundry and groceries and housekeeping, not to mention working and daycare, and church and activities and fellowship, and, and, and...and just making it through the day...it's hard to stop long enough to listen or reflect. By the end of the day, I hit the wall and slide down in a lump of exhausted goo. I try to find time in the daily grind to capture a glimpse of what He might have to say for me that day. I don't always hear Him. So I go to the beach, to breath; and to hear what He might have to say. Purposeful stillness.

I don't get these opportunities very often, but when I do, they are profound. This trip was no exception.

I've been reading a book by John Eldredge called 'Walking with God'. It captures a year from the journal of John Eldredge and how God evidences himself along the way. He mentions over and over again the whispers of God's voice in his life. I began to wonder how many times God has whispered to me and I just don't or didn't hear Him; or ignored Him. On my drive to the beach, I endeavored to clear my mind and allow my spirit/conscience to open up and receive whatever it is He might have for me. I invited Him to speak into my life and I promised to pay attention. I had a piece of paper and a pen handy to jot down whatever I heard.

Generally when we are in the truck, my Little Miss makes it known how incredibly dissatisfied she is with her carseat. I prefer short distance drives because of this, as my nerves become very short and frayed when such a tiny air space has been invaded by the whales of my little princess... I prepared myself for the 2 1/2 hour journey with treats and beverages and additional toys to help appease the screeches. Magically, it seems, during this trip she played contently with the toys I have strapped to the back of the seat in front of her. She sang and talked to me. She practiced inunciating her new words and repeated them over and over again. A-pp-o joosh. A-pp-o joosh. A-pp-o joosh. I only had to pull over once because she dropped her tippy cup out of my arms reach. It was a glorious ride, to say the least.

Somewhere about half way there, I heard Him.

Abide in Me.

I read the Bible, though admittedly, not as much as I should. It's so important to be in the Word on a regular basis in order to combat the trickery of the enemy. If we know the Truth, the enemy loses every time. He finds his way in to the weak and unsure spaces that have not been cleared by the Words of Truth, carefully written and provided for us; for our safety and security.

I know there is scripture that speaks of abiding in Him. I've never really thought about it...what does it mean? I have a very vague idea, but the depth of the definition, I have no idea.

I jot it down on the paper I have handy and consider it during the rest of the journey. A giddy anticipation waves over me as I anxiously await the evening to come together and wear down so that I am able to look it up and start studying it. What is the message that He has for me?

I mentioned the enemy finding the weak and unsure places. He doesn't want us drawing nearer to God and the Truth. He will use whatever means necessary to sabotage our gaining strength. He likes us weak. Earlier in the day an email dialogue had started with a friend of mine. By the time I got to the beach and put the punkin' down for bed, I was ready to start my journey of discovery into what 'Abiding in Him' meant. I checked my email first, and became distracted in that email. I didn't get to Abiding in Him.

By morning, my mind was a whirlwind of confusion that was sourced in that dialogue. I knew immediately, however, that it was a ploy from the enemy. You will know and recognize him by the fruit... Distraction, confusion, uneasiness...these are not of God. I quickly prayed against the schemes of the enemy and set the distractions and discomfort at the cross. I refuse to carry it. My mission this trip is to spend some quality time with God. You ever go on a vacation or a trip with a friend who drags you down because they don't want to do this or its too hot or they're dissatisfied with that? Kinda sucks the life out of the vacation, if you let it. The greatness of our will is that we can choose...we can choose to wallow in the grumps or we can choose to set them aside and enjoy ourselves in spite of it. On this day, I chose not to be consumed by the tricks of the enemy. Once I set them aside and began to focus on why I was there, the confusion dissipated. While being 'in control' is not something we should strive to do, but actually release 'control' to the authority who TRULY has control...it is amazing how much 'control' we do have. Our will can wreck us or it can save us... We have 'control' over how obedient we choose to be. Good Stuff.

The next morning we were up at the crack of dawn, enjoying each other and the sounds of seagulls; sharing bananas and toast and a-pp-o joosh. I've been living with various friends for the past ten months and have little personal space, so this is truly a treasured time with my daughter. It's only she and I and I love it. We will have our own space again very soon, but for now, she and I time is limited and fleeting. This by itself is a God moment.

Once she was down for her morning nap, I was able to begin searching and listening. One of the multitude of amazing things about God is that He is patient. He waits. He knows the many things that hit us from all directions on any given day. He patiently waits for us to be with Him. If only we could acquire this level of patience with the people and things of this life... I find anxiety starts to invade my spirit when I begin the ponderings and racing thoughts of doing this or that on time and getting this or that in this time, and wondering what is going to happen next and when will I realize this or see that or find 'something'...whatever that something may be that we are seeking at any given moment. Peace rests in my soul when I just 'go with the flow'. Travelling is like this. I start the trip long before the trip ever starts. It starts when I leave my place. I leave early in case there is traffic. I don't want to start a relaxing trip being frustrated because I'm stuck in traffic and might be late. I get to the airport early to enjoy people watching. I relax. I don't rush. I take whatever comes, as it arrives. I don't anticipate anything, so I'm not surprised when things like flight delays and then missed flights and mechanical delays and then traffic delays and delay after delay after delay... A trip I took a few years ago had me back 16 hours later than anticipated. If I'd have not mentally prepared for anything happening, I might have been a bit agitated. But I knew eventually I would make it home. I was nicer just taking advantage of the 'down' time.

Why is it different when we WANT something? We want something and we make plans for that something and we get angry when it doesn't pan out the way we'd anticipated. We lose so much of the moment by being frustrated and angry that it didn't come to us the way WE wanted it to. Isn't that the point God is trying to make with us? If we just relax through the process, He will bring it to us the way that HE knows is the best way. And if we're able to relax through it, we might find surprising treats along the way. We will eventually get there. It's certain. Where is it written...Ask anything in My name and it will be given to you. I once heard an analogy that really sticks with me, especially when I find myself getting impatient... We can drive coast to coast in the dark, with only a 50 foot visibility from our headlights...it's all we need to get where we need to go. Why do we think we need a light to shine on the destination before we arrive?

So, what does it mean to Abide in Him? What did I find? I found that all of this...the journey...is the 'end' that He has for us. The destination is not the end. The journey. Right now. Today. This very moment. Walk with Him. Abide in Him.

Life is Grand : )

Life is grand, y'know? :)

Today, my new boss is letting me out early to go play in the sunshine! Living here in Orygun, it is great when the sun FINALLY decides its going to grace us with its presence. The state has been watered and cloud covered sufficiently...now it's time for some Vitamin D!

Yesterday, it was my birthday again. (Okay, not really, but it felt like it) I got some more new goods to play with. (among them, running shorts!)

When it rains, it pours, really. Funny how life is. When things are good, it seems like EVERYTHING is good. When it is bad, well everything kinda glooms. I'm clearly in the 'everything is good' category these days. :) I know that I can't stay here forever, but it sure does help!

Life ebbs and flows...extreme highs and extreme lows. I try to keep my mind in an even place in the middle somewhere so that when it hits its peaks and valleys, its not as far a distance to meet again in the middle. If I allow life to flow around me and allow and revel in the excitement and just accept the dips for what they are...temporary...the topography of life seems a bit more level.

It's hard not to get overly excited about the fun stuff...I AM a big kid and I never want to lose the excitability of fun stuff. I just have to remember that I can't stay here all the time. It creates a deeper destitution of the spirit when the hard stuff of life is tossed in. It's all about balance. :)

On a different note, I think I'm being called to a missions trip to Cambodia in January. I've wanted and desired to go on a missions trip for many years, but have never felt like a door was open to the possibility. When I became pregnant, it seemed the door would be closed even tighter because single motherhood offers enough challenges on its own without the logistics of travelling like that. However...God is MUCH larger than any situation or circumstance and where His Will is, there will always be a way.

Sunday we had a flyer in our bulletin for a medical missions trip to Cambodia and I felt a door fly open in my spirit. I am very excited by this and feel, without knowing any details or logistics, that I'm already there. This journey has been predetermined and has already begun. The family that watches my daughter during the day has already, without question, offered to watch her during the week I would be gone. It hurts my heart a little bit to think about being away from her for a whole week, but she'll be almost 2 then and I know that if God wills this to happen, then he will also make sure I have peace and comfort on the journey.

It is Springtime...time for new things...for renewal; budding and blossoming possibilities and opportunities. :)

Life is grand. :)

Trotting Along...

I walked, then walk/jogged, then walked again today.

Walked to the track (.56 miles).
Then calibrated my jog timer on my sensor, so I didn't get this logged (add a quarter mile).
Then walk/jogged around the track (.88).
Then walked again (.59 miles).

Total Miles logged, 6.27 miles with an average 17'ish minute per mile pace. My walk/jog pace was about 13 1/2 minute per mile average.

Running is kinda uncomfortable and painful, particularly for the very out of shape and sedentary folk. But y'know...as I'm sitting here revelling in the after'ness of it, I feel SO GOOD.

I've started a 'walk to jog' training program that I can track online, as well as the 16 mile per month challenge. With these accountability tools, there shouldn't be any reason that I get stalled. If I do, its all my fault. And I don't like to be at fault...so I reckon there's nowhere to go but UP from here, ya? :)

You know what is the greatest about this niftly little sensor toy/tool is that I don't have to think about anything. I don't have to calculate or look at the time, or measure anything. It does it all for me. This is HUGE freedom for me. Cuz really...if I have to think about going around the track four times, then that mile becomes VERY VERY long. But if I'm just out there trottin' along, soaking in the sunshine (yes! The sun decided to come out today! hooray!), listening to what my body is telling me (maybe you should walk for a minute so I can catch my breath...okay I caught my breath, go ahead and start trotting again...), then suddenly, walking/trotting becomes somewhat enjoyable. I plug it into my computer and all my goals, challenges and training programs are automatically updated for me. You have no idea how exciting this is for me! To free my mind of the details so that I can THINK about other stuff. yay! haha :)

Journey to thyself...

As I wander around the wonderful blogging world I've recently discovered, it amazes and inspires me that I'm really not an island. :) Everyone has a life and everyone's is different, but there are so many who are living and communicating the journey to their core. Who are they? What are they about? What IS this life all about?

Of course, I'm not an island...because everything is not always about ME...but the human condition being what it is (self-centered), finds some peace and calm and contentment knowing that its actually quite 'normal' to be seeking and searching for meaning.

I am so inspired by the runners, the writers, the single moms, the stay at home moms, the Jesuits, the Buddhists, the Dads, the musicians, the students, the teachers, the artists, the pastors...and everyone in between. What an amazing community the blogging world has created! I feel strangely 'connected' to all these people who I've never lain eyes on because I feel this common pursuit amongst us... What IS it all about?

Does anybody really know how and understand how their words so profoundly touch others? Since we all pretty anonymously read each others thoughts, ideas, opinions, expectations, fears, joys, etc...how many lives are affected daily by our journey simply because we decided to share? The tapestry I spoke of in a former post...grows larger and larger and more complex and more beautiful with each passing moment and word exchange. wow.

Personally, I have been touched beyond comprehension and my world has been richly blessed by this community. Who knew? :)

In the Beginning...

...She walked an average 17'ish minute mile (pushing a stroller).

I'm 4.22 miles into a little bitty beginner's challenge - walk/trot 16 miles in one month. Piece of cake. I'm going to probably walk most of this, but pick up a little bit of momentum to trot in a week or so.

I'm planning on participating in my first 5k in June. :)

I walked 2.6 miles on Saturday and decided when my body started yelling at me, that I would talk my body out of the nonsense of hurting. It was all about affirmations. I love walking! I love the fresh air! This feels great! It's good to be outside! And then it wasn't so bad. :)

I was thinking about thinking while I was out. But thinking about thinking isn't as good as good ol' spontaneous thinking. So I thought about all the pretty Spring flowers along the way. I love Spring. Time for renewal.

Photo Blog Update

Psst... Take a peek at my new pics and let me know what you think! :)

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mommies!

A Mere Tiny Thread...

Have you ever been reading a book and cross over something that sends your mind a wheelin'...so much so that you can't possibly concentrate on another word that is written? Sometimes...I love it when that happens. : ) I love it when it happens, when I know that I'm being spoken to.

There were several things that came to light multiple times in one day...an indication that I need to stop and pay attention because this is important! Several completely random things that had occurred or I'd heard through the day suddenly appeared on the pages of the book I was reading. Kinda like deja vu...only not really. So much more profound than deja vu; a deep soul piercing realization that our entire existence is but one tiny thread of a giant beautiful tapestry that God has/is creating.

It's more than just ironic that seemingly random things or people or ideas find themselves a way into your conscience because they appear nowhere in life, and then they appear several times in a very short amount of time. It made me really think about how intricately He has designed our existence. He created our paths to cross over, just as threads are weaved together in this tapestry of our life. I'm having some difficulty articulating right now, but this is so huge! How humbling and how small I've become with the realization.

When the threads of circumstance are looked at under a microscope, it looks distorted and ugly and misshapen. But pull the microscope away, and one can start to see a picture that is much larger than we can imagine. Every single thing is for a very distinct purpose and design. Have you seen those pictures that are a large picture, made with hundrends of tiny other little pictures? Imagine one made up of all of our faces...and the larger one being the picture of God. There may even be one out there with Jesus' face. At any rate, when you look at each individual picture, you can't see that it is a pore on the cheek of a larger picture. Amazing.

Also...completely random and of no real relevance to this...but maybe some that I can't see at the moment... I had Chinese food for dinner and then another Asian dish the next day for lunch. Both times, my fortune cookie was empty. How odd is that? How does a fortune cookie get its message missed? I wonder how often it happens? And what are the odds that I would get two message'less cookies in two days. Hm.

Hiding...

I'm not in a crisis situation today, but I have found some truth in yesterday's posting. I wasn't having a void for no reason. There was something in the way that was blocking my intuition.

I have 11 other blogs, all of which are very personal and very vulnerable. I choose not to make them public, but have pondered why I have so many blogs...why don't I include them all in one big blog? Each blog has a different subject matter (Christian Single Motherhood, Thoughts on Emotional Eating, Woman of Integrity, Contented Singleness, etc...etc...). While I'm finding my way to my authentic self (sounds so new age, but I'm not sure how else to define it at the moment), there are a lot of rants and rages, negativity, whining...trying to work through 'stuff'. I don't necessarily think those things should be veiwable by the world at least until I've worked through whatever truth it is I'm trying to find and can rest easy with what I've learned. Then it becomes a part of my testimony and I can share freely.

I have come to a realization about one particular blog that there's a very good reason that I should not share with the world at large. If folks read this stuff, institutionalization might be recommended. : ) It's no doubt the ugliest reality of all. Relational stuff is very difficult. There's no question. Life in the 30s and 40s after many failed relationships and the collection of reactions and responses and guard cause a lot more dips and dives and detours in the process than is comfortable. One moment I may be flying high with thoughts and possibilities and the next I'm completely bugged out and afraid. It is annoying to say the least; this process. But in the process of flying high and then plummetting to the pits, I realize eventually there will be found, a balance. The 'right' thing for me. One day I will find some relative balance and I will be able to articulate the roller coaster ride and perhaps share with others the hidden truths.

Tying all of this together, with a quote from Craig's blog posting...Injuries often seem to occur at the places where the body is weak... If I don't listen to the things that cause my imbalance...those weaknesses, then I will find myself in a much larger train wreck than if I just took some time to pause and consider all perspectives and possibilities. Yesterday's acknowledgement of a void in my introspective thought brought the 'thing' that was hiding me, to the surface. I faced it, was freed, and am now free to continue. : )

Onto the next lesson.

It's the little things...

I'm a big kid. And I really don't want to grow up. I don't ever want to lose the excitement of the little things in life...

Today, or yesterday, actually...the little things include unexpected gifts from my employer. So my last post makes it obvious where I work now. (Purposely leaving the name out so I don't end up on searches) I was so excited yesterday! I was asking about a new gadget that the company makes for runners (a groovy wrist band that tracks your runs). Not only will I be obtaining one of those soon, but I was surprisingly handed a whole bunch of other REALLY COOL STUFF! It felt like Christmas! Only...I didn't know Christmas was coming!

On a completely unrelated note...I'm inspired mind has a void in it. I want to write so badly...but there's just nothing upstairs. This is uncommon...and I really should be grateful because sometimes my mind overwhelms me with the amount of 'stuff' it carries around. It also seems that I am the most inspired when I'm in the middle of a stressful scenario or situation. I reckon this is good then...that I'm not at this very moment in the middle of a crisis (could be floating around on the happy cloud that getting gifts creates) ...but I am oddly enough, missing the inspiration. Perhaps this is resting time. Inspiration will surely return to me.

I'd love to bridge the gap between crisis mode inspiration and life is good inspiration. Hm. Perhaps in time, just writing and blogging and getting the 'stuff' out will bridge the gap.

Happy Wednesday. : )

Instruction

And here it is folks... : )




I reckon I outta fill these shoes!
WOO HOO! : )
I think I'll start...today!

Life, in themes

I'm sensing a theme in my life these days...or maybe its a subtle hint...or not so subtle message.

It's about running...

I find this fabulous blog about running...or mostly about what goes on in the brain pan while running and I find myself really inspired (on so many levels) .... Then my friend says she and some others will be running/trotting/walking the Portland Marathon and wonder if it is something I'd like to do with them. (I have decided to give it a shot) Then... I've been searching for a job for MONTHS now and I started a job yesterday for the leading shoe and sports inspired company in the country...in Running Apparel. I'm surrounded by shoes and runners and inspiration EVERY DAY now!

I think there's something going on here... : )

Perhaps...I'm going to become a runner... Running for my life! : )

Also...the other day I heard a message somewhere...I can't remember where...but it was about our thoughts. We get ourselves so wrapped up in our thoughts and about the negatives of things that we talk ourselves out of so much before we ever even give it a chance. For instance...I'm not a runner today. My legs hurt when I run. I've convinced myself that I'm just not a runner so I'm not going to run. My lungs hurt, my body hurts, my legs hurt when I run. My mind is consumed with these negative things. Of course its painful when I run!

BUT...if I tipped the scale to the other side of things, imagine how much I could accomplish...if I would just talk myself INTO things as much as I talk myself OUT of things. I like running. I love running. I feel GOOD when I run... What inspiration will come when I get myself out there and start...running? I can't wait to find out! (got a few logistical things to work out and then I'm gonna START!)

Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

No thought will rest in my mind, unless it is positive. I'm going to start running. And I'm not just going to like it, I'm going to love it. And it is going to be GREAT!!! : )

This is your life...

I'm listening to Air1 radio station and the song 'This is Your Life' by Switchfoot just came on. It occurred to me in the fleetingest of moments as I heard the chorus ('This is your life. Are you who you want to be....'), that I am who I want to be. I am satisfied completely.

I reflect on my former life prior to becoming a Christian and it seems every single day was a struggle. There just wasn't ANYTHING to look forward to but this seemingly never ending dismal existence. UGH... I feel the weight of it as I ponder prior days. I remember a time when I would essentially 'fake' who I really was (I didn't really know who she was to begin with, so my entire existence was pretty fake) by fibbing and telling little white lies. I wanted everyone to accept me so I'd create a dialogue that I felt would fit the individual I was speaking with. I was starving for acceptance. I was afraid to tell the truth because I was afraid people wouldn't like me. I'm not sure what there was NOT to like to begin with...but somewhere along life's journey I lost my sense of worth.

It makes me sad to know that there are so many people out there today who feel this way...they have no hope and no reason. They just exist, placing all their hope in a bucket with a hole in it, that something exciting will happen and they will feel fulfilled; some resemblence of joy, if only for a moment. Fleeting, empty, joy.

I posted earlier about how my cup runs over. Life is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I have a hope that is complete...there is no hole that will empty my bucket because my Hope is in Him. I have purpose and meaning and I have found who I am. I don't have to fib or tell white lies anymore to feel accepted (the irony is that I never felt accepted no matter what I said, whether truth or lie) or to have people like me or even love me. I can be real and have integrity and people I think actually love me more. It's amazing... I can't really even begin to articulate how full I feel. Abundance...not in material things, but the abundance comes from within. I could never go back. There's nothing there (the world) that appeals to my senses any longer.

Am I who I want to be? Absolutely. There's no greater knowledge than this...

One Step at a Time

I receive a daily inspiration from a gentleman named Jeff... I'll tell you more about him in a minute...first read today's entry...

“A journey of a thousand leagues begins with a single step.”

- Confucius

I lament how many times I have seen people repeatedly postpone starting a project, claiming that they are simply gathering their ducks in a row. Many of these people refuse to answer the starting bell so many times that they become tone deaf and after a while don’t even hear it anymore. Even more disturbing is the fact that often times that person has been me.

What makes us paralyzed when facing an important project, one that is perhaps even the major objective of our lives? For some it is a fear of failure, for others, paradoxically, a fear of success. I think the biggest reason, however, is that within our busy lives, digging into a behemoth of a goal just looks like too daunting a task this week, maybe next week it will look smaller. Does it ever get smaller? No, usually it begins to grow in weight on our shoulders as we realize that we have done nothing toward our major objective. If this keeps up long enough, we either give up the goal, or we shove it to the back of our minds where it won’t bother us and we kid ourselves that we will get to it soon.

What can we do to stop putting off the most important thing we must do? The short answer is to dive in and merely get some momentum going. You might not know what the hell you are doing, but you will at least be in the water dog paddling until you figure out how to swim. If we don’t, we are likely to stand at the edge of the pool forever. Knowing that this project is not going to get done by next week or even next month, break the project down into small, bite size pieces and dive in. You might need to wander around in the dark for a while until you get your bearings, but at least you’ll be wandering. Once you are on the journey, you’ll get your compass straight, and those baby steps will soon start adding up. You’ll get some confidence and momentum going, and those monstrous thousand leagues will begin shrinking.

Jeff Young
www.friendsofjeff.com

It is so easy for me to be overwhelmed by the things that are placed before me in life. My creative mind wants to take giant leaps and bounds to the end product or endeavor and then backpedal to the place I should begin. It's quite the effort to train or re-train my mind to find focus and then begin to channel my energies. There are a lot of things that go undone because I lose my focus and energy because I get lost 'out there' somewhere in the infinite possibilities. I tend to be a procrastinator because of this. The same truth continues to find me, though...everything gets accomplished...one baby step at a time. And to start, I must get up out of my chair and BEGIN; get out of my mind and move my body.

Right now there are quite a few things that are lined up that I feel a bit overwhelmed by...

My Photoshop has been down for months and I finally got it back online this weekend. I'm very excited about this, but was immediately overwhelmed by the volume of pictures I will need to edit. And so I will start...one picture at a time.

I'm going to walk a marathon in October. I was very excited about this feat...this endeavor I'd never considered before. There's a lot more to it for me than just saying that I've walked a marathon...it holds in it some freedoms for me... but anyway, I'm struggling with it because I took a walk the other day and I'm walking a 20 minute mile (just a teensie bit out of shape!). The group I will be walking with hopes to walk it in 6 hours...which means I must shave 5 minutes off my mile! THIS IS HUGE! But the only way I'm going to wittle down the HUGE...is one day/one walk at a time. In time my endurance will increase and I can look a 15 minute mile in the face without blinking. And I'll successfully walk a 26 mile marathon in October...right before my 35th b-day, too. It will be an extra grand celebration for me. :) One walk at a time...

I have had the desire to write a book for many years. I believe with this, there will also be some freedoms found for me, but a book is only realized one page at a time... I've been writing and rambling for a while, but without much focus or direction. As time ensues, I'm given nuggets here and there that help me gain my focus. I don't have a deadline set for writing this book. I have a thousand ideas, but I believe in time, with my little collection of nuggets over time, will produce some good fruits. The secret...is writing...one day at a time. One page at a time...

Patience and perseverence... are my words for the day. : )

So...please visit http://www.friendsofjeff.com/ and sign up for his inspirational email. Read about him on his website...you will truly be inspired. He lives 24 years after a diagnosis that gave him 3-5 years to live...a true testament to will being greater than circumstances. Good stuff!

MY Cup, Runneth Over

I was reading an article today about a gal who realized what a pessimist she had become. When she realized how dismal her outlook on everything had become, she committed to viewing the world from a glass half full perspective.

I wonder where this analogy came from? It had to come from somewhere in 'the world'...because as a Christian, my cup runneth over. There's nothing empty or lacking and its nice to say this and actually mean it. I feel it. Some days I am completely bubbled over. Some days I'm a little blue, but my cup is still full.

Freedom...

...Is only a perspective away.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.
— Anonymous

Random Running Thinking Thoughts

I am so inspired!

In a search for a little bit more of myself, I came across this blog (Running is Mental) and found some really good soul food. Along the way, I have discovered a great deal more than I had anticipated.

Fist of all, I'm a deep thinker, and have always been, but it seems I've never really accepted that of myself. I thought that I had, but it has actually manifested itself in my inability to truly feel connected with people because... if I don't accept it about myself, why would I think others would accept it of me? So I'm always on guard, wondering what people are thinking; if they think I talk to much or think too much or think too deeply. There are far greater amount of people I interact with in my life who have not quite 'got' the depth of my understanding and have verbalized that I think too much, that I take life too seriously, that I philisophize too much, that I will make myself crazy by thinking so much...(I guess its mostly family that 'points' at it.) And so I've always thought that it was, or *I* was always somehow 'wrong' in my thinking.

As I become more and more acquainted with my spiritual side, I realize that my thinking is truly a gift. There's nothing 'wrong' with the way that I think; perhaps the only thing I could adjust a little is measuring accurately who and how I discuss certain matters with certain people...

When I stumbled upon this blog (Running is Mental), it occurred to me that I could channel my own thinking and ponderings of life, instead of keeping them caged up inside my cranium. I was suddenly inspired to become a runner! And to allow the thinking to commence, without reservation! :)

I was reading some other blogs that the owner of this blog subscribes to, and I'm enlightened once again, that there are OTHER thinkers out there! Not that I think I'm the only thinker out there... but how wonderful the nuggets of wisdom that are shared out here in blogger cyber-space!

I read a posting about who we are and if we are in a different place than we had ever anticipated...are we who we set out to be? One blogger didn't ever anticipate being a jogger, and resisting the title along her journey to accepting that she was, in fact, a jogger. I'm there, now...I'm a thinker, but am just now starting to realize its okay for me to hold that 'title'. It is me; who I am. I don't live on the surface...I dive deep to the core; the source; the n'th degree of every thought or idea that could be presented. I don't know why...I just do; it is me.

Why do we resist so much, who we are? Why are others' opinions and expectations allowed to hold us hostage from our true potential? How many of us are so chained to who we 'think' we should be that we fail to truly thrive and blossom? Why are we so starved for affirmation, that we need to have people accept us? Where in this life did we lose ourselves and become the product of everyone else's expectations?

After pondering this, and having the initial excitement to go out and get me a pair of running shoes...I became increasingly more deflated with the whole idea. Running is such...work. It hurts, mostly. Specifically for me, I walked on my tippy toes since I was a little bitty, so the tendons and muscles in the back of my legs are shortened and cramp up pretty badly when I attempt running; trotting; jogging, in any way. So its always been an effort to think about doing it. I divorced myself of the idea that I'd ever be a runner because it would just take too much work; so I won't do it. Now I'm inspired by a different prespective...that I could be a runner, but consciously think...about thinking. Allowing myself the freedom to do that.

Of course from here, there are a multitude of other perspectives to consider. I don't have to become a runner in order to think. I can think when I drive; shop; walk; compute, whatever. But I COULD be a runner...and start out slow...condition myself to take it in one day at a time...one moment at a time...build up endurance...and eventually I might call myself a thinking runner. :)

But with anything in this life, it takes time to grow into it; to acclimate; to work up to full potential. So many things are disregarded and set aside and just plain left alone without a second thought because its going to be too hard, and it might hurt. We look at the end, at what it would look like 'out there', and the process to getting there is too difficult so we just don't do it. How many potential runners are sitting on the couch? How many marriages failed because it was too much work? How many truly inspired musicians only hear the music in their head, but don't bridge the gap to composition?

We are given one breath, one moment, on day at a time. In this moment, I will commit to being satisfied with who I am, today...regardless of expectations of others...or even the unrealistic expecatations I have of myself. I'm a thinker, and I'm going to think, and in the process of allowing myself the freedom to think of the things I think, I'll be working on articulating my thoughts... like learning how to run, I likely won't have it all figured out and focused and channeled over night...but every day I'll be more clarified and clear and confident in my thinking abilities. I want to write a book. But I must write it one word, one page at a time.