I am so ridiculously tired I almost can't stand it. I say almost because there's only about an ounce of anything in me at the moment that is keeping me on the responsible adult side of consciousness. (How in the world did I just articulate that sentence...Apparently my fingers are on auto pilot.) Because really...seriously...my brain has left the building. It is taking a nap...like the rest of my body should be doing.
I love love love my baby so much and she's so worth everything that is difficult about single parenting. But probably the HUGEST annoyance and challenge I have is never getting enough sleep. The past couple of weeks have been the worst. Every chance I have gotten to get to bed early...I can't sleep and end up tossing and turning until really late...so I may as well have just stayed up and gotten things done like I needed to anyway.
Thank goodness I work in a completely casual work environment (at least for now) because today I'm sporting jeans and a hoodie. I could not muster enough strength to find anything else. Wow. I'm so going to sleep in my truck at lunch today. Intravenous caffeine would be good for now. UGH!
Add to my tired's a new job search. Job hunting is the least pleasant of my favorite things to do...interviewing sucks the life out of me. And since I don't have a lot of life to suck out at the moment, I'm praying fervently that the interviewers can see past the black circles under my eyes to see the really capable individual who wants to work her tired hiney off for them. That makes me tired to think about...working my hiney off. Cuz really...my current job is cake; I don't need to bring my brain in on most days because its just really...brainless...work. But I can't stay here because as fabulous as the culture and relaxing flexibility of this environment, it's not adequately paying my bills. If it was just me, I'd stay because I can make compromises for myself...but since I'm the sole breadwinner...I can't make compromises. Little munchkins require a certain amount of funding that is completely out of my control. And gosh, it sure would be nice if I could afford someone to come out and clean my house for me every now and then.
And with all of that said, the sad part is that I have to consider setting aside the thing that really brings me to life...my photography. Or at least redirecting my focus/time/energy...because it is the thing that I do in whatever spare moments I get. But I can't push myself over into doing that full time right now. Too much of a frivolouse expense for people to spend money on photography when they can't pay their bills and they're losing their houses.
So...today...its about survival...and keeping my eyes open (particularly while I'm driving). And it really frustrates me when I have to place myself in auto pilot just coasting...because its the only thing I have the energy for. And I can't push myself until I break. Gotta be at least partially functioning for my baby.
UGH.
Showing posts with label Single Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Single Motherhood. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Single Motherhood and Mini-Tornados
My daughter is 19 months old...and very willful...already. I don't think it is a phase, but a part of her personality, which frankly...scares me out of my wits. I'm a pretty passive, mellow (albeit chatty and exuberant at times) kinda gal and have always been intimidated by the more assertive personalities. I'm less intimidated now, but don't have a CLUE how to mentor and guide my daughter as she blossoms into who she is. What I know now is that I need to be consistent and assertive and do not allow her to wear the pants. I'm the mama and I'm the boss. What I wonder is which battles to fight and which ones to let go. She defies almost everything I tell her now. If I discipline her EVERY SINGLE TIME I ask/tell her not to do something...it feels aweful. Some days are really bad days...because it's a fight all day long. And some days she'll be as sweet as can be and I pray that she gives me more of these days. They are easy. Raising children is not easy. Raising children alone is really really not easy.
I have a guy friend who lives next door to me and she was going through a phase of hitting me/slapping at me. This behavior is absolutely not acceptable and I've tried everything I could before having to pop her on her bum to get her attention. My guy friend witnessed it one day and in his big deep manly voice told her 'No Hitting'. Just like that. She ducked with her tail between her legs and got all weepy. Is that all it takes? A man's voice? He's hired. She's only done it one time since then, I think.
There's a reason I was handed single motherhood. Of course I will never know what 'lessons' I was signed up to learn...there are a bazillion that I've learned already...but MAN...this is hard work! Lord have mercy! I keep hearing more and more that I need to make sure to establish my authority now because if she reaches 4 or 5 and I don't have a handle on her, then she will run my life. I'm not afraid to discipline her. I'm not one of those that is afraid of spanking (I was never traumatized by a spanking while growing up - The Lord put the cushion there for a reason, I think.), but its just aweful having to be the ONLY one doing any disciplining. Single parenthood is just not fair.
And have I mentioned how incredibly busy my little cherubim is? She goes and goes and goes and goes. She is a mini tornado. If I had half her energy, oh the things I could accomplish! I've left her with a neighbor for a couple of hours a couple of times and when I pick her up, just after two hours, my neighbor's hair is all dishevled and she's exhausted...and she asks me how in the WORLD do I do it? The baby never stops! The only time she is still is when she is sleeping. And praise the Lord its the only fight I don't have to have, is putting her to bed. When she's tired, she goes right down. But she doesn't wind down at all. She will spin out until she hits the wall (when I lay her down) and then she passes out. But she won't mellow out at all.
So, with little mini tornado, you can imagine what my house looks like. I don't know why I bother cleaning. I suppose its a good thing I don't have OCD. I might really lose my mind. The neighbor kids came over the other day and cleaned her room for me. How sweet of them. :) I didn't even ask. It was in the former state 5 minutes after they left, though. Probably should have taken a picture of it.
I have a guy friend who lives next door to me and she was going through a phase of hitting me/slapping at me. This behavior is absolutely not acceptable and I've tried everything I could before having to pop her on her bum to get her attention. My guy friend witnessed it one day and in his big deep manly voice told her 'No Hitting'. Just like that. She ducked with her tail between her legs and got all weepy. Is that all it takes? A man's voice? He's hired. She's only done it one time since then, I think.
There's a reason I was handed single motherhood. Of course I will never know what 'lessons' I was signed up to learn...there are a bazillion that I've learned already...but MAN...this is hard work! Lord have mercy! I keep hearing more and more that I need to make sure to establish my authority now because if she reaches 4 or 5 and I don't have a handle on her, then she will run my life. I'm not afraid to discipline her. I'm not one of those that is afraid of spanking (I was never traumatized by a spanking while growing up - The Lord put the cushion there for a reason, I think.), but its just aweful having to be the ONLY one doing any disciplining. Single parenthood is just not fair.
And have I mentioned how incredibly busy my little cherubim is? She goes and goes and goes and goes. She is a mini tornado. If I had half her energy, oh the things I could accomplish! I've left her with a neighbor for a couple of hours a couple of times and when I pick her up, just after two hours, my neighbor's hair is all dishevled and she's exhausted...and she asks me how in the WORLD do I do it? The baby never stops! The only time she is still is when she is sleeping. And praise the Lord its the only fight I don't have to have, is putting her to bed. When she's tired, she goes right down. But she doesn't wind down at all. She will spin out until she hits the wall (when I lay her down) and then she passes out. But she won't mellow out at all.
So, with little mini tornado, you can imagine what my house looks like. I don't know why I bother cleaning. I suppose its a good thing I don't have OCD. I might really lose my mind. The neighbor kids came over the other day and cleaned her room for me. How sweet of them. :) I didn't even ask. It was in the former state 5 minutes after they left, though. Probably should have taken a picture of it.
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