Me Tired Head

I am so ridiculously tired I almost can't stand it. I say almost because there's only about an ounce of anything in me at the moment that is keeping me on the responsible adult side of consciousness. (How in the world did I just articulate that sentence...Apparently my fingers are on auto pilot.) Because really...seriously...my brain has left the building. It is taking a nap...like the rest of my body should be doing.

I love love love my baby so much and she's so worth everything that is difficult about single parenting. But probably the HUGEST annoyance and challenge I have is never getting enough sleep. The past couple of weeks have been the worst. Every chance I have gotten to get to bed early...I can't sleep and end up tossing and turning until really late...so I may as well have just stayed up and gotten things done like I needed to anyway.

Thank goodness I work in a completely casual work environment (at least for now) because today I'm sporting jeans and a hoodie. I could not muster enough strength to find anything else. Wow. I'm so going to sleep in my truck at lunch today. Intravenous caffeine would be good for now. UGH!

Add to my tired's a new job search. Job hunting is the least pleasant of my favorite things to do...interviewing sucks the life out of me. And since I don't have a lot of life to suck out at the moment, I'm praying fervently that the interviewers can see past the black circles under my eyes to see the really capable individual who wants to work her tired hiney off for them. That makes me tired to think about...working my hiney off. Cuz really...my current job is cake; I don't need to bring my brain in on most days because its just really...brainless...work. But I can't stay here because as fabulous as the culture and relaxing flexibility of this environment, it's not adequately paying my bills. If it was just me, I'd stay because I can make compromises for myself...but since I'm the sole breadwinner...I can't make compromises. Little munchkins require a certain amount of funding that is completely out of my control. And gosh, it sure would be nice if I could afford someone to come out and clean my house for me every now and then.

And with all of that said, the sad part is that I have to consider setting aside the thing that really brings me to life...my photography. Or at least redirecting my focus/time/energy...because it is the thing that I do in whatever spare moments I get. But I can't push myself over into doing that full time right now. Too much of a frivolouse expense for people to spend money on photography when they can't pay their bills and they're losing their houses.

So...today...its about survival...and keeping my eyes open (particularly while I'm driving). And it really frustrates me when I have to place myself in auto pilot just coasting...because its the only thing I have the energy for. And I can't push myself until I break. Gotta be at least partially functioning for my baby.

UGH.