Sometimes a song will come out that grips my heart and soul...like God Himself has wrapped his giant arms around me and I'm so full of hope and love and if for only a moment, I feel absolutely complete, in His presence. This song has done that, but this time its like a huge hug that will be followed by a lengthy time apart...like when your best friend moves away and it will be a long while before you see them again. You know you will...but the missing them seems so agonizing. There's another song called 'Homesick' by Mercy Me... I've never really felt this kind of homesickness until now. My heart aches to just be 'home'...where there will be no more pain; no more worry; no more fears. But my hope for that is what keeps me alive. What an incredible anticipation... :O)
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Monday, October 20, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Why do I Fight...
There are times when my heart hurts...it yearns fulfillment...the kind that makes me feel as if I'm going to burst, but without pain...instead, overwhelming joy. I think fondly of people who've been brought to my heart, and then taken or removed. I don't understand sometimes how/why our will cannot be enough to make it work. But His Will is greater than anything we can know for ourselves...particularly in the moments we are yearning so deeply.
It is healthy to yearn. It means there's something more.
If I could just relax into His embrace...and find comfort there. He wants me to take the hands that are holding me, right now. Relax into them. And breathe. His hands are holding me.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Been Thinkin' About...
Moods. Somewhere along life's journey I learned that moods were bad. Moods are wrong. I do realize today that moods are normal. If you don't have moods you might need to check your pulse. But it never fails that when my mood declines a bit, that I start to beat myself up. And then I think too much about how I shouldn't be moody and I put on a happy face and then I think about how fake I am and how I look to others and yada yada yada. How annoying!
I've never been a person who lashes out in my moods. I always lash IN. But in my lashing IN, I carry the burden of so much responsibility in the way that others feel. I question every word I say; every move I make. Insecurity reigns. It's awful.
I know that this particular mood is hormonally induced. Stinks being a woman sometimes. But it seems half my life has been and is battling this particular mood swing. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel hopeless, but my self-image declines and I wonder who in the world would/could ever love me, let alone accept me even in the slightest with all my imbalances (there's really not that many, but my little mole hill becomes a mountain under the microscope of this mood). Why would anyone choose to be with someone who is so off balance? Have I mentioned how awful it is?
I know today and can acknowledge this 'temporary' state of being. It doesn't define who I am. People probably don't see it much unless I point at it. I may become a little bit distant, but those closest to me know that I just need a time out. And its really that simple. They don't all suddenly decide that since I'm having a mood that they can't be my friend anymore. It's really a terrible perspective to have. It's a burden that has gotten better over the years, but still plagues me.
I think the worst part about this particular mood is that I focus so much on MYSELF. It is my life endeavor these days to think less about myself and more about how I can help another. Perhaps there is a testimony in here somewhere about how even though I have moods that edge up to depression at times, that I am still free. Jesus saves me from the agonies of the world...and myself. This mood is biological. I'm not going to be judged because I have a body that happens to be woman that happens to produce brain altering chemicals that swing me off balance a bit.
I was listening to the radio this morning and was so inspired by a story I heard. Janine was a prostitute, drug addict, and drug dealer for 18 years, but by the Grace of God was saved 7 years ago. Have you ever spoken to someone who is in the middle of a life this devastating? They are angry. They are dishonest. They are not at peace in their souls and they let everyone know about it. Her voice over the radio was the voice of an angel. I would bet that she still has demons that might creep up on her from time to time, but the miracle that has happened to her that changed her life was Jesus and all the hurt and turmoil was gone. And now she seeks to reach out to others who are where she was. Amazing and heart warming story.
All of that to say that if I stay inside my little bubble of self, then the world looks pretty dismal. My moods are not the big picture. My mood is just a speed bump that I have to consider navigating over slowly. The world is not about ME and what happens to ME, but what I can gather from ME to help another. I am but a vessel to bless another. I found this video this morning that really speaks to this. It really puts things into perspective about my current state of being. I may be miserable at the moment and having a little pity party, but oh how I take my life for granted. So today I'll be focusing on ignoring ME and my mood and seeking out blessings for others. What can I do for you today?
I've never been a person who lashes out in my moods. I always lash IN. But in my lashing IN, I carry the burden of so much responsibility in the way that others feel. I question every word I say; every move I make. Insecurity reigns. It's awful.
I know that this particular mood is hormonally induced. Stinks being a woman sometimes. But it seems half my life has been and is battling this particular mood swing. I don't feel worthy. I don't feel hopeless, but my self-image declines and I wonder who in the world would/could ever love me, let alone accept me even in the slightest with all my imbalances (there's really not that many, but my little mole hill becomes a mountain under the microscope of this mood). Why would anyone choose to be with someone who is so off balance? Have I mentioned how awful it is?
I know today and can acknowledge this 'temporary' state of being. It doesn't define who I am. People probably don't see it much unless I point at it. I may become a little bit distant, but those closest to me know that I just need a time out. And its really that simple. They don't all suddenly decide that since I'm having a mood that they can't be my friend anymore. It's really a terrible perspective to have. It's a burden that has gotten better over the years, but still plagues me.
I think the worst part about this particular mood is that I focus so much on MYSELF. It is my life endeavor these days to think less about myself and more about how I can help another. Perhaps there is a testimony in here somewhere about how even though I have moods that edge up to depression at times, that I am still free. Jesus saves me from the agonies of the world...and myself. This mood is biological. I'm not going to be judged because I have a body that happens to be woman that happens to produce brain altering chemicals that swing me off balance a bit.
I was listening to the radio this morning and was so inspired by a story I heard. Janine was a prostitute, drug addict, and drug dealer for 18 years, but by the Grace of God was saved 7 years ago. Have you ever spoken to someone who is in the middle of a life this devastating? They are angry. They are dishonest. They are not at peace in their souls and they let everyone know about it. Her voice over the radio was the voice of an angel. I would bet that she still has demons that might creep up on her from time to time, but the miracle that has happened to her that changed her life was Jesus and all the hurt and turmoil was gone. And now she seeks to reach out to others who are where she was. Amazing and heart warming story.
All of that to say that if I stay inside my little bubble of self, then the world looks pretty dismal. My moods are not the big picture. My mood is just a speed bump that I have to consider navigating over slowly. The world is not about ME and what happens to ME, but what I can gather from ME to help another. I am but a vessel to bless another. I found this video this morning that really speaks to this. It really puts things into perspective about my current state of being. I may be miserable at the moment and having a little pity party, but oh how I take my life for granted. So today I'll be focusing on ignoring ME and my mood and seeking out blessings for others. What can I do for you today?
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Heavenly
There's not a real video in here, but the song holds some significance for me at the moment... Mountain Moving Moments. :)God Rocks!
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