I pray/journal unceasingly. It took me a while to realize what that means, but with every beautiful thing, I praise my Heavenly Father for giving me eye and senses candy to revel in. And when things are confusing and perplexing I ask the questions to find answers. The questions are posed more in my journals than in my head because if I put it down in writing, I can at least look at it, reflect on it, and later on see how my prayers/questions have been answered. It's a system that is really starting to flourish and work wonders for me. I have journals at work, in my purse, on my beside table, and in multiple other locations because if something strikes me, I need to be able to let it out.
My workday mornings I have a ritual of taking my journal into the 'prayer chambers' (hehe) in order to pray/write/reflect in private and without distraction. I'm not a morning person, so getting up earlier to accomplish this just doesn't work. Once I'm awake, I love mornings, but it's the getting up part that is so difficult. Don't think that is going to change much. So...I'm usually awake by the time I get to work, so it's the first thing on my agenda.
I mentioned in a former post that there's this 'pattern' I have with men...being perpetually attracted to those that are not available and not being able to receive love from those that are. Without digging into the psychology of why this is, I prayed this morning, the following...
Lord, I wonder...why we are allowed to go to the vulnerable places in our hearts with someone, if you're not going to allow it to work? It confuses me. I realize we learn along the way, and we aren't really promised anything earthly. But I'm perplexed.
I mentioned somewhere along the way that I didn't need an answer today because while I am and have been perplexed for some time, I have a grounded peace in my soul that my faith will carry me through. I'm just tossing it out there for consideration.
This doesn't happen all the time. Rarely. Maybe even never happened before now...but I got an answer 5 minutes later. I was reading a devotional (My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers) that first has this scripture:
John 11:40 Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
And then this...the answer...
Faith must be tested because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict.
WOW.
If I haven't mentioned how amazing God is, lately...He is truly amazing. He may speak to others differently, but He pretty much answers my questions directly via scripture and other readings. I may have an underlying sense but if there's any confusion, then it is confirmed with scripture. I LOVE THAT! He speaks TO ME. :O) I don't know that I'll ever get over the awe of that. Because every time he speaks or answers something, I am immediately placed on this fabulous floating cloud of wonder and amazement. And am filled with joy and love and peace...that He really is with me. I'd like to have constand affirmation from Him, but then I might start taking it for granted.
You know what else is pretty nifty (besides it being Friday, a short Friday, and a short Friday before a long weekend)? Just this morning as I was driving into work, I asked God to reveal Himself to me. I was feeling a little parched of His presence. And He is faithful to those who ask. :)
He asks us to be as little children before Him...and I don't know how to be any other way! I get so excited! And I want to share and dance around and just be a giddy little girl! Because He spoke to ME! And He loves ME!
WooHoo!
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Daddies
I read a post here about a Daddy moving his daughters to college. Moving day/weekend (however long it took) was less than fluid, but I could feel even during the process and agonies of the move that his heart was wrapped so tightly around his daughters; that he would do anything for them. How proud they must be to have him. How proud he is of them.
I can only know what any of this feels like by imagining it and vicariously experiencing it through others. My Dad is present in my life, but he has never been PRESENT. I have no idea how he feels. He doesn't communicate it. He doesn't participate in my life. He's 'the dad', but he's not THE DAD. I see him when I go visit him and he comes to see me when I get married or have babies. So I've been married twice, one of which he attended and I've had one baby. So that sums up on one hand, two fingers, the number of times he's made an effort to see me. I don't think I don't matter to him. I think that I do. I just don't think he knows how to express it. He was never taught, and so he just lives what he knows. Which isn't really a lot about fathering, since the father that he knew growing up treated him very poorly and kept him at a distance.
It makes me very sad when the circles of life cause so much pain and love is buried. It happens so much in this world. I feel the pain everywhere. And my heart breaks daily to know that people just need LOVE! I thank the Lord every day since I have found Him, for showing me what Love is. I know that in the story of my life, my earthly Father might not have a blog or journal or anything that reflects what his children mean to him, but I know that my Heavenly Father does. He is with me always; crying with me, celebrating with me, dancing with me... And I feel the fullness of His adoration. And on the day that He brings me home, I will sit on his lap and we will share the storybook of life that we had together.
I used to want so badly to be acknowledged by my Dad and I became bitter and angry and frustrated because I just wanted him to make an effort. I wanted him to WANT to see me, to spend time with me just because; without needing a reason. But my expectations are based on my needs/wants/desires...and just because I need/want/desire them doesn't mean that someone has the ability to deliver. They, too are lacking in something. Somewhere along the way their needs/wants/desires were not met and a hole was formed in their heart. And so what I have learned by receiving the love of my Heavenly Father, in order to teach my Dad about love, because his Dad didn't teach him, is to love him...like Jesus loves me. The hole in his heart that has lost its ability to pour out love can be filled. The natural 'order' of things would indicate that its the parents 'responsibility' to teach their children love...but perhaps my parents had children so that their children can teach THEM about love. I don't always feel like making the effort because its human nature to not want to give when we haven't necessarily received to our expectations...but even when I don't feel like it, I'm blessed for having made the effort. And I hope that my Dad feels blessed for the token that I send to let him know how important and special he is in my life. Because he really is. And that's not based on what I receive from him. I'm just grateful to have a Dad.
I can only know what any of this feels like by imagining it and vicariously experiencing it through others. My Dad is present in my life, but he has never been PRESENT. I have no idea how he feels. He doesn't communicate it. He doesn't participate in my life. He's 'the dad', but he's not THE DAD. I see him when I go visit him and he comes to see me when I get married or have babies. So I've been married twice, one of which he attended and I've had one baby. So that sums up on one hand, two fingers, the number of times he's made an effort to see me. I don't think I don't matter to him. I think that I do. I just don't think he knows how to express it. He was never taught, and so he just lives what he knows. Which isn't really a lot about fathering, since the father that he knew growing up treated him very poorly and kept him at a distance.
It makes me very sad when the circles of life cause so much pain and love is buried. It happens so much in this world. I feel the pain everywhere. And my heart breaks daily to know that people just need LOVE! I thank the Lord every day since I have found Him, for showing me what Love is. I know that in the story of my life, my earthly Father might not have a blog or journal or anything that reflects what his children mean to him, but I know that my Heavenly Father does. He is with me always; crying with me, celebrating with me, dancing with me... And I feel the fullness of His adoration. And on the day that He brings me home, I will sit on his lap and we will share the storybook of life that we had together.
I used to want so badly to be acknowledged by my Dad and I became bitter and angry and frustrated because I just wanted him to make an effort. I wanted him to WANT to see me, to spend time with me just because; without needing a reason. But my expectations are based on my needs/wants/desires...and just because I need/want/desire them doesn't mean that someone has the ability to deliver. They, too are lacking in something. Somewhere along the way their needs/wants/desires were not met and a hole was formed in their heart. And so what I have learned by receiving the love of my Heavenly Father, in order to teach my Dad about love, because his Dad didn't teach him, is to love him...like Jesus loves me. The hole in his heart that has lost its ability to pour out love can be filled. The natural 'order' of things would indicate that its the parents 'responsibility' to teach their children love...but perhaps my parents had children so that their children can teach THEM about love. I don't always feel like making the effort because its human nature to not want to give when we haven't necessarily received to our expectations...but even when I don't feel like it, I'm blessed for having made the effort. And I hope that my Dad feels blessed for the token that I send to let him know how important and special he is in my life. Because he really is. And that's not based on what I receive from him. I'm just grateful to have a Dad.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
It's All About Me
Another MeMe :) Because I'm wired and awake and can't get to sleep and I can't bang on the walls to hang things up because the mini-me is sleeping.
So here it goes...
Every day, I would like to:
1. Wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed
2. Bless someone / compliment someone
3. Have one full hour of completely uninterrupted me time.
4. Look everyone in the eye and smile at them.
Every week, I would like to:
1. Have an entire DAY of uninterrupted me time? :)
2. Be one photoshoot closer to ditching the day job.
3. Exercise at least 5 days
4. Home cook meals at least 5 days
In three months, I would like to:
1. Have completed a couple photography classes to fine tune myself/my skills.
2. Have happy holidays with my family in MT.
3. Be completely prepared and ready for my missions trip to Cambodia in January.
4. Go skiing.
Before next year, I would like to:
1. Be completely moved into my condo with no boxes in the garage beckoning my attention.
2. Start having some company over...I love hosting!
3. Become more focused and driven towards self-employment and staying home with my daughter.
4. Lose a few more lbs.
In two to five years, I would like to:
1. Be self-employed
2. Be...married? 2 years may be too soon. Maybe by 5 years.
3. Not feel like I'm that close to 40? (Gasp!)
4. Have a regular travelling schedule
Before I die, I would like to:
1. LIVE! :O) Live a life that is pleasing to the Lord.
2. Travel and see as much of the world as possible.
3. Leave a legacy for my daughter
4. Spend a lot more time near the beach and in nature in general.
So here it goes...
Every day, I would like to:
1. Wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed
2. Bless someone / compliment someone
3. Have one full hour of completely uninterrupted me time.
4. Look everyone in the eye and smile at them.
Every week, I would like to:
1. Have an entire DAY of uninterrupted me time? :)
2. Be one photoshoot closer to ditching the day job.
3. Exercise at least 5 days
4. Home cook meals at least 5 days
In three months, I would like to:
1. Have completed a couple photography classes to fine tune myself/my skills.
2. Have happy holidays with my family in MT.
3. Be completely prepared and ready for my missions trip to Cambodia in January.
4. Go skiing.
Before next year, I would like to:
1. Be completely moved into my condo with no boxes in the garage beckoning my attention.
2. Start having some company over...I love hosting!
3. Become more focused and driven towards self-employment and staying home with my daughter.
4. Lose a few more lbs.
In two to five years, I would like to:
1. Be self-employed
2. Be...married? 2 years may be too soon. Maybe by 5 years.
3. Not feel like I'm that close to 40? (Gasp!)
4. Have a regular travelling schedule
Before I die, I would like to:
1. LIVE! :O) Live a life that is pleasing to the Lord.
2. Travel and see as much of the world as possible.
3. Leave a legacy for my daughter
4. Spend a lot more time near the beach and in nature in general.
Self-Focus
I was chatting with a friend of mine last night about life...solving the world's problems, as they say. (who are 'they'?) Great conversation, as always, but we reached a place in the conversation that was painful. Reflecting on decisions I've made/not made, choices and patterns, etc. It seems I've had this pattern with men in my life of finding myself attracted to those who are perpetually unavailable and not being able to 'receive' those who are more than available and willing to offer me the world. Why is this, I wonder? Does being attracted to those not available perpetuate and validate underlying worth 'issues'? As long as I'm pining over someone who won't/can't return the sentiment, it is safe to have these feelings...and there's no responsibility attached. And actually allowing someone to love me would require opening myself up to a deeper vulnerability and responsibility to make it work; to not fail.
The deeper question, though, is why the first instinct is always to point at what is wrong. If it didn't work for whatever reason...why am I wrong in the choices/decisions I've made? What if... all the psychology of the world's view is consumed and overwhelmed with focus on thyself...and what is wrong...and what needs to be fixed. What if...Jesus already fixed it. He's wiped the slate clean. I am a new creations. Everything that is and was and will be is part of who I am... But all He's asking us to do is focus on Him; today; right now. He will handle the details of our lives, one detail at a time. Is it our human nature to be so self-focused? Or is it a ploy from the enemy...because as long as we are self-focused, then we are not focused on His truth; His divine presence and guidance in the very moment that we are existing.
I find so much freedom when I redirect focus off of myself. Yet, I always find myself going back there. Perhaps its just a part of our human nature to do so and in time, the habit will be formed to stay focused on God. For now, after I've gone there...plunged to the depths of 'what was' and got intimate with the pain again... I've found my way out of the mess and rested my head on the chest of the One who saved me from that pain. He has His arms wrapped around me in a loving embrace, stroking my hair, comforting me, and letting me know that I don't have to go there anymore. What I need to focus on now is who He is; who I am in His sight; and with eyes forward to all the goodness that He will have for me, free from the bondage of what was.
I know nothing in my own understanding. There are reasons for everything happening in this life...even our decisions based on former pains. But sometimes things will never be understood at our carnal human level. We won't see the truth in its fullness until the day we cross over and find ourselves hob-nobbing with our savior in the heavenlies.
The deeper question, though, is why the first instinct is always to point at what is wrong. If it didn't work for whatever reason...why am I wrong in the choices/decisions I've made? What if... all the psychology of the world's view is consumed and overwhelmed with focus on thyself...and what is wrong...and what needs to be fixed. What if...Jesus already fixed it. He's wiped the slate clean. I am a new creations. Everything that is and was and will be is part of who I am... But all He's asking us to do is focus on Him; today; right now. He will handle the details of our lives, one detail at a time. Is it our human nature to be so self-focused? Or is it a ploy from the enemy...because as long as we are self-focused, then we are not focused on His truth; His divine presence and guidance in the very moment that we are existing.
I find so much freedom when I redirect focus off of myself. Yet, I always find myself going back there. Perhaps its just a part of our human nature to do so and in time, the habit will be formed to stay focused on God. For now, after I've gone there...plunged to the depths of 'what was' and got intimate with the pain again... I've found my way out of the mess and rested my head on the chest of the One who saved me from that pain. He has His arms wrapped around me in a loving embrace, stroking my hair, comforting me, and letting me know that I don't have to go there anymore. What I need to focus on now is who He is; who I am in His sight; and with eyes forward to all the goodness that He will have for me, free from the bondage of what was.
I know nothing in my own understanding. There are reasons for everything happening in this life...even our decisions based on former pains. But sometimes things will never be understood at our carnal human level. We won't see the truth in its fullness until the day we cross over and find ourselves hob-nobbing with our savior in the heavenlies.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Single Motherhood and Mini-Tornados
My daughter is 19 months old...and very willful...already. I don't think it is a phase, but a part of her personality, which frankly...scares me out of my wits. I'm a pretty passive, mellow (albeit chatty and exuberant at times) kinda gal and have always been intimidated by the more assertive personalities. I'm less intimidated now, but don't have a CLUE how to mentor and guide my daughter as she blossoms into who she is. What I know now is that I need to be consistent and assertive and do not allow her to wear the pants. I'm the mama and I'm the boss. What I wonder is which battles to fight and which ones to let go. She defies almost everything I tell her now. If I discipline her EVERY SINGLE TIME I ask/tell her not to do something...it feels aweful. Some days are really bad days...because it's a fight all day long. And some days she'll be as sweet as can be and I pray that she gives me more of these days. They are easy. Raising children is not easy. Raising children alone is really really not easy.
I have a guy friend who lives next door to me and she was going through a phase of hitting me/slapping at me. This behavior is absolutely not acceptable and I've tried everything I could before having to pop her on her bum to get her attention. My guy friend witnessed it one day and in his big deep manly voice told her 'No Hitting'. Just like that. She ducked with her tail between her legs and got all weepy. Is that all it takes? A man's voice? He's hired. She's only done it one time since then, I think.
There's a reason I was handed single motherhood. Of course I will never know what 'lessons' I was signed up to learn...there are a bazillion that I've learned already...but MAN...this is hard work! Lord have mercy! I keep hearing more and more that I need to make sure to establish my authority now because if she reaches 4 or 5 and I don't have a handle on her, then she will run my life. I'm not afraid to discipline her. I'm not one of those that is afraid of spanking (I was never traumatized by a spanking while growing up - The Lord put the cushion there for a reason, I think.), but its just aweful having to be the ONLY one doing any disciplining. Single parenthood is just not fair.
And have I mentioned how incredibly busy my little cherubim is? She goes and goes and goes and goes. She is a mini tornado. If I had half her energy, oh the things I could accomplish! I've left her with a neighbor for a couple of hours a couple of times and when I pick her up, just after two hours, my neighbor's hair is all dishevled and she's exhausted...and she asks me how in the WORLD do I do it? The baby never stops! The only time she is still is when she is sleeping. And praise the Lord its the only fight I don't have to have, is putting her to bed. When she's tired, she goes right down. But she doesn't wind down at all. She will spin out until she hits the wall (when I lay her down) and then she passes out. But she won't mellow out at all.
So, with little mini tornado, you can imagine what my house looks like. I don't know why I bother cleaning. I suppose its a good thing I don't have OCD. I might really lose my mind. The neighbor kids came over the other day and cleaned her room for me. How sweet of them. :) I didn't even ask. It was in the former state 5 minutes after they left, though. Probably should have taken a picture of it.
I have a guy friend who lives next door to me and she was going through a phase of hitting me/slapping at me. This behavior is absolutely not acceptable and I've tried everything I could before having to pop her on her bum to get her attention. My guy friend witnessed it one day and in his big deep manly voice told her 'No Hitting'. Just like that. She ducked with her tail between her legs and got all weepy. Is that all it takes? A man's voice? He's hired. She's only done it one time since then, I think.
There's a reason I was handed single motherhood. Of course I will never know what 'lessons' I was signed up to learn...there are a bazillion that I've learned already...but MAN...this is hard work! Lord have mercy! I keep hearing more and more that I need to make sure to establish my authority now because if she reaches 4 or 5 and I don't have a handle on her, then she will run my life. I'm not afraid to discipline her. I'm not one of those that is afraid of spanking (I was never traumatized by a spanking while growing up - The Lord put the cushion there for a reason, I think.), but its just aweful having to be the ONLY one doing any disciplining. Single parenthood is just not fair.
And have I mentioned how incredibly busy my little cherubim is? She goes and goes and goes and goes. She is a mini tornado. If I had half her energy, oh the things I could accomplish! I've left her with a neighbor for a couple of hours a couple of times and when I pick her up, just after two hours, my neighbor's hair is all dishevled and she's exhausted...and she asks me how in the WORLD do I do it? The baby never stops! The only time she is still is when she is sleeping. And praise the Lord its the only fight I don't have to have, is putting her to bed. When she's tired, she goes right down. But she doesn't wind down at all. She will spin out until she hits the wall (when I lay her down) and then she passes out. But she won't mellow out at all.
So, with little mini tornado, you can imagine what my house looks like. I don't know why I bother cleaning. I suppose its a good thing I don't have OCD. I might really lose my mind. The neighbor kids came over the other day and cleaned her room for me. How sweet of them. :) I didn't even ask. It was in the former state 5 minutes after they left, though. Probably should have taken a picture of it.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Freedom of Expression
I joke with one of my co-workers that in the four months that I've worked here, that she could write a book about my life. :) There's never a dull moment. I don't really know why some of our lives are or seem so much fuller and others seem so much more...level? Perhaps its perception. Perhaps its the energy that is inside of me that bubbles out and I can't control myself so I get all chattery and then feel silly because I've just bubbled over. And those that are a bit more reserved with their chattiness and life, who tend to hold things in a bit more...I don't really think they think I'm crazy...okay maybe I do. :) But now I can laugh at myself about it. This is me. Chatty Cathy. Energetic and exuberant and I can't contain myself so I'm going to DANCE through this life! And laugh and fall and get back up and cry some and just experience all of the fullness that is available to me.
I went out dancing Friday night. I love to dance. It is an expression that is so freeing and comfortable to me and I have so much fun. I like to techno dance and country dance the most (and slow dance, of course, when there's a significant hunky man in the picture). I don't techno dance by myself, though (unless I'm at home...then I get really crazy!)...I will always find someone to go with me for that, but I can go out to a country dance hall by myself and enjoy myself thoroughly. I had some heavy things on my mind and just wanted to go and be free for a little while. I haven't gone in a very long time. I actually didn't expect to dance much, but thought I'd give it a whirl anyway. I ended up dancing so much I was all sweaty and gross. But good gross. :) And the heaviness on my mind was lifted. Freedom of expression... Good stuff.
I realized while I was there that there was a time in my life when I couldn't go to a dancing establishment without drinking. I had to get rid of my self-consciousness and insecurities and inhibitions before I could really enjoy myself. It's so great that I could go out and not drink...and actually have a better time than I think I've ever had...completely sober. This is victory; poetry in motion.
I went out dancing Friday night. I love to dance. It is an expression that is so freeing and comfortable to me and I have so much fun. I like to techno dance and country dance the most (and slow dance, of course, when there's a significant hunky man in the picture). I don't techno dance by myself, though (unless I'm at home...then I get really crazy!)...I will always find someone to go with me for that, but I can go out to a country dance hall by myself and enjoy myself thoroughly. I had some heavy things on my mind and just wanted to go and be free for a little while. I haven't gone in a very long time. I actually didn't expect to dance much, but thought I'd give it a whirl anyway. I ended up dancing so much I was all sweaty and gross. But good gross. :) And the heaviness on my mind was lifted. Freedom of expression... Good stuff.
I realized while I was there that there was a time in my life when I couldn't go to a dancing establishment without drinking. I had to get rid of my self-consciousness and insecurities and inhibitions before I could really enjoy myself. It's so great that I could go out and not drink...and actually have a better time than I think I've ever had...completely sober. This is victory; poetry in motion.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Journalling - My Story
I was reading another blog this morning. I watched through the eyes of the computer screen a relationship begin, unfold, and then end. While I was reading it, I thought how she could write a book. I appreciate so much her vulnerability to share with the world. I think I'm still afraid to share my stuff with the world. That maybe the wrong person would read it and someone would be offended and then hold it against me somehow. I know that seems silly...but I suppose there is a reason for my insecurity. My journals in the past have been 'found', read, and then stuffed up my nose by the intruder because they were somehow offended by my personal thoughts.
When I was growing up, I lived with a very volatile woman and her vacant husband (my parents), who were both very critical, along with the rest of my critical family. My thoughts, feelings, emotions, expressions, wishes, dreams, desires, everything...was wrong or discounted. I've only ended up here, reasonably sane and 'together' by the grace of God. How does one find their way to who they are/truth, when everything that makes you who you are, is destroyed before it ever begins? When encouragement and basic nurturing were voided from the equation? All I know is that my entire life before I found Jesus, was just a series of hits and misses and an extreme school of hard knocks. I felt like I was catapolted out into space flailing and flying and bouncing into everything hard in my path. And everything was hard. Kinda like pin-ball, only every edge was rough and jagged and pierced and left scars.
At some point I put away (burned/shredded) all my journals and refused to ever write anything down again for fear of someone getting ahold of the only thing I could claim as my own...my thoughts. They didn't always make sense, but they were mine. I did write from time to time, but I'd immediately tear up the paper and find the nearest trash receptical that would least likely be found out.
Once I found Jesus I found validation; truth; freedom. It occurred to me for the first time ever that I might actually have some worth and be beautiful; that my thoughts, ideas, dreams were all very valid and that it was okay to have them. I didn't know what to do with the knowlege, but in time, I felt like it was okay to start coming out of my shell. I realized that people do not have the luxury to decide who I am unless I allow them to. I still struggle with people pleasing sometimes, but getting better. If they love me and my heart, it won't matter the decisions I make. And I'm also not responsible for the way someone else's life has turned out no matter how much they point at me and blame me for their miserable feelings and existence.
So, back to journalling... When I got saved; found Jesus, I heard a lot about journalling. I tried to get back into it, but just couldn't get over the fear of my words coming back to haunt me. In time and with a great deal of healing, with a little dose of deliverance, for good measure, my light started to shine. And eventually I found freedom in journalling again. It's been almost four years since I've been saved, and my journalling has started to blossom anew. I now look at my journals as the gateway to the legacy I will leave for my daughter. I'm not ashamed of it anymore because my feelings, wishes, dreams and experiences are all real. THIS is life. This is how things get processed. And journals offer the ability to look back and really reflect on how far I've come. I don't have my journals from the pits of hell any more, but I wish that I did because I want my daughter to know where I've come from. But perhaps I will be able to go back and recount those times, with my new eyes and perspective. I still feel the pain, but I don't carry the burden of it like I used to. Shame is heavy. And praise be to God, it doesn't own me any more.
So with all that said...I might start unfurling a few stories of my own here... reflections. A lot of my posts have been pretty cryptic. I don't know if its a learned mechanism to 'hide' behind the details...but maybe I'll go ahead and give myself permission to be vulnerable. Because even in the middle of vulnerability my story is worth hearing.
When I was growing up, I lived with a very volatile woman and her vacant husband (my parents), who were both very critical, along with the rest of my critical family. My thoughts, feelings, emotions, expressions, wishes, dreams, desires, everything...was wrong or discounted. I've only ended up here, reasonably sane and 'together' by the grace of God. How does one find their way to who they are/truth, when everything that makes you who you are, is destroyed before it ever begins? When encouragement and basic nurturing were voided from the equation? All I know is that my entire life before I found Jesus, was just a series of hits and misses and an extreme school of hard knocks. I felt like I was catapolted out into space flailing and flying and bouncing into everything hard in my path. And everything was hard. Kinda like pin-ball, only every edge was rough and jagged and pierced and left scars.
At some point I put away (burned/shredded) all my journals and refused to ever write anything down again for fear of someone getting ahold of the only thing I could claim as my own...my thoughts. They didn't always make sense, but they were mine. I did write from time to time, but I'd immediately tear up the paper and find the nearest trash receptical that would least likely be found out.
Once I found Jesus I found validation; truth; freedom. It occurred to me for the first time ever that I might actually have some worth and be beautiful; that my thoughts, ideas, dreams were all very valid and that it was okay to have them. I didn't know what to do with the knowlege, but in time, I felt like it was okay to start coming out of my shell. I realized that people do not have the luxury to decide who I am unless I allow them to. I still struggle with people pleasing sometimes, but getting better. If they love me and my heart, it won't matter the decisions I make. And I'm also not responsible for the way someone else's life has turned out no matter how much they point at me and blame me for their miserable feelings and existence.
So, back to journalling... When I got saved; found Jesus, I heard a lot about journalling. I tried to get back into it, but just couldn't get over the fear of my words coming back to haunt me. In time and with a great deal of healing, with a little dose of deliverance, for good measure, my light started to shine. And eventually I found freedom in journalling again. It's been almost four years since I've been saved, and my journalling has started to blossom anew. I now look at my journals as the gateway to the legacy I will leave for my daughter. I'm not ashamed of it anymore because my feelings, wishes, dreams and experiences are all real. THIS is life. This is how things get processed. And journals offer the ability to look back and really reflect on how far I've come. I don't have my journals from the pits of hell any more, but I wish that I did because I want my daughter to know where I've come from. But perhaps I will be able to go back and recount those times, with my new eyes and perspective. I still feel the pain, but I don't carry the burden of it like I used to. Shame is heavy. And praise be to God, it doesn't own me any more.
So with all that said...I might start unfurling a few stories of my own here... reflections. A lot of my posts have been pretty cryptic. I don't know if its a learned mechanism to 'hide' behind the details...but maybe I'll go ahead and give myself permission to be vulnerable. Because even in the middle of vulnerability my story is worth hearing.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Abandonment
I've only gotten about 5 hours of sleep a night since Sunday night because I've been working on editing almost 1300 photos from the wedding shoot Friday. As the second shooter, I have to get my pics to the main photographer within a week. Not a small order when I have a full time day job and a toddler to chase around after work. The only time I have to do anything is after she goes to bed. And since I'm a person who needs 8-9 hours of sleep, 5 hours over the course of 5 days starts showing itself. A friend of mine tells me on Wednesday that I really outta find some time for sleep...cuz I'm looking pretty dreadful. What are friends for, right? :)
Last night I hit delirium. You know when you are so tired that your dreams become dillusional and disruptive? I can't remember what the dreams where, but I remember feeling like I needed to be somewhere. I also tend to sleep walk, so I did find myself at one point, in the living room...wondering what I was doing there. I think I felt like I'd forgotten something.
When I woke up this morning, of course I was in a daze. Thank goodness it is Friday. Because I intend to do a whole lot of sleeping this weekend. A whole lot of effortless, no time schedule'ness. Just me and my babe. I love her so much, there are just no words to express how full I feel to have been blessed with such an amazing little person. I dream about the amazing person she will become and how incredible it is that I have been entrusted to guide her. (sighhh...) She's so worth the sleeplessness and the perpetual tiredness and exhaustion that I'm learning is just part of single parenthood, though.
Anyways...In the middle of my daze, I also woke up with a deep seated feeling of emptiness in my heart. Lonliness. It bothers me when this happens because I've had so much victory over my lonlies and am confident and content in my singleness. I don't believe I have been called to singleness indefinitely, even though I'd pondered it in the not so distant past. For now, I have been because...here I am.
So, the thinker that I am...it always comforts me when I have an 'answer'. The situation doesn't have to be 'solved', but it helps if I could just know the core...where it is coming from. So I start pondering where the source of this lonliness could be streaming from. It doesn't take long when I get out my journal to find the answer. It's amazing, really...I wonder sometimes if I didn't have a journal or didn't have the ability to write, if I'd ever find clarity in anything. Because invariably, any time I get out my pen and start exercising my hand, out it comes. My stream of consciousness; train of thought; prayers for answers...Truth...is just an ink blob away.
It doesn't take me long today for the word to pop into my mind - Abandonment. This has been an ongoing turmoil I think since birth...but it is getting smaller and smaller. Another issue I will claim victory over. I know my Lord will never leave, abandon, or forsake me and He does complete me. It is the residual dying of thyself that has expectations and attachments to the things of this world; to people, that brings this vulnerability to the surface. I realize that I have placed my expectations and attachments inside this little box of hope that certain people will never leave me/my life. It has brought comfort many times. But the box of hope has holes in it if its attached to people; the expectations become dashed eventually and disappointment ensues and feelings of abandonment follow. People are not ours. We don't get to 'keep' them. They come into and out of our lives. All of them, even our family. If we place all of our eggs into one bucket of 'people' to place our worth and value and hopes and dreams in...the bucket will surely be dropped. People cannot sustain us. They are there to encourage us and lift us up and support us and share life. But people cannot be our life line. If I lose worth because someone has left or because we think they might leave, we have allowed them to define who we are. The only thing I am is a child of God, placed here on this earth to abide in Him, bless others, and live a life that is Glorifying to Him. People are the icing on the cake. Sometimes they are cream cheese frosting and we want to eat them up...by the vat full. :) But eventually the icing runs out. The icing is not the cake. If we just eat icing we'll get sick. It's true of people. If we count on people for everything and don't have something more firm and consistent to sustain us, the icing ceases being sweet and just gives us a bellyache.
So, maybe a crazy analogy...but when we cease depending on people to sustain our emotional needs, we can become full with who we are. We are not empty beings, althought we may feel like it at times. Just in writing all of this and acknowledging the source of the 'void' I was feeling this morning...the void has disappeared and now I feel my heart is overflowing. This is the joy of the Lord. And sometimes, there are no words to express what that feels like. But it rocks, for sure. :O)
Last night I hit delirium. You know when you are so tired that your dreams become dillusional and disruptive? I can't remember what the dreams where, but I remember feeling like I needed to be somewhere. I also tend to sleep walk, so I did find myself at one point, in the living room...wondering what I was doing there. I think I felt like I'd forgotten something.
When I woke up this morning, of course I was in a daze. Thank goodness it is Friday. Because I intend to do a whole lot of sleeping this weekend. A whole lot of effortless, no time schedule'ness. Just me and my babe. I love her so much, there are just no words to express how full I feel to have been blessed with such an amazing little person. I dream about the amazing person she will become and how incredible it is that I have been entrusted to guide her. (sighhh...) She's so worth the sleeplessness and the perpetual tiredness and exhaustion that I'm learning is just part of single parenthood, though.
Anyways...In the middle of my daze, I also woke up with a deep seated feeling of emptiness in my heart. Lonliness. It bothers me when this happens because I've had so much victory over my lonlies and am confident and content in my singleness. I don't believe I have been called to singleness indefinitely, even though I'd pondered it in the not so distant past. For now, I have been because...here I am.
So, the thinker that I am...it always comforts me when I have an 'answer'. The situation doesn't have to be 'solved', but it helps if I could just know the core...where it is coming from. So I start pondering where the source of this lonliness could be streaming from. It doesn't take long when I get out my journal to find the answer. It's amazing, really...I wonder sometimes if I didn't have a journal or didn't have the ability to write, if I'd ever find clarity in anything. Because invariably, any time I get out my pen and start exercising my hand, out it comes. My stream of consciousness; train of thought; prayers for answers...Truth...is just an ink blob away.
It doesn't take me long today for the word to pop into my mind - Abandonment. This has been an ongoing turmoil I think since birth...but it is getting smaller and smaller. Another issue I will claim victory over. I know my Lord will never leave, abandon, or forsake me and He does complete me. It is the residual dying of thyself that has expectations and attachments to the things of this world; to people, that brings this vulnerability to the surface. I realize that I have placed my expectations and attachments inside this little box of hope that certain people will never leave me/my life. It has brought comfort many times. But the box of hope has holes in it if its attached to people; the expectations become dashed eventually and disappointment ensues and feelings of abandonment follow. People are not ours. We don't get to 'keep' them. They come into and out of our lives. All of them, even our family. If we place all of our eggs into one bucket of 'people' to place our worth and value and hopes and dreams in...the bucket will surely be dropped. People cannot sustain us. They are there to encourage us and lift us up and support us and share life. But people cannot be our life line. If I lose worth because someone has left or because we think they might leave, we have allowed them to define who we are. The only thing I am is a child of God, placed here on this earth to abide in Him, bless others, and live a life that is Glorifying to Him. People are the icing on the cake. Sometimes they are cream cheese frosting and we want to eat them up...by the vat full. :) But eventually the icing runs out. The icing is not the cake. If we just eat icing we'll get sick. It's true of people. If we count on people for everything and don't have something more firm and consistent to sustain us, the icing ceases being sweet and just gives us a bellyache.
So, maybe a crazy analogy...but when we cease depending on people to sustain our emotional needs, we can become full with who we are. We are not empty beings, althought we may feel like it at times. Just in writing all of this and acknowledging the source of the 'void' I was feeling this morning...the void has disappeared and now I feel my heart is overflowing. This is the joy of the Lord. And sometimes, there are no words to express what that feels like. But it rocks, for sure. :O)
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Climbing Mountains
Friday I was the second shooter at a wedding for a dear friend of mine (pics to be posted in the next couple days on my photo blog) in Southern Oregon. It was a picture perfect wedding for a picture perfect couple. It inspires me...that there is someone perfect for each of us out there...They are so perfectly suited to one another. I cried all day. :) Such good tears, though. Happy, overflowing, joyful tears. My cup was running over all over the place. TRUE love rocks.
The town the wedding was in, is about a four hour drive from me. I had plans for a friend to watch my babe while I was away. Because the wedding was late, I wasn't going to try to drive home, tired, in the dark, for four hours. So I stayed with some friends of the family and committed to spending a little ME time on the drive back the next day. I don't get much of this; ME time. I contemplated heading over to the coast in order to breathe a bit and just be one with the ocean for a while. But instead, Crater Lake was calling me. I've never been there. There was so much greatness about this trip, but today I'll focus on mountain climbing.
When I got there, all I could think was CRAZY Beautiful! If you've never been, you really outta make it a point to go. AMAZING! When chatting with some folks about it, they mentioned the water being an amazing blue that just can't be explained. It is true. There are not words to describe how truly AWEsome this lake is. I did take some pictures and I hope to capture even a morsel of its beauty (these will also be on my photo blog in a few days). Something about the perfect purity of the water and the depth and how the light reflects...wow...just had a moment of spiritual clarity... Purity of heart creates a depth that the light of the Lord can reflect amazingly onto others... :)
Anyways...I wandered around for a while and took pictures and just allowed the cool mountain air to penetrate my lungs and my head. I didn't have an agenda for the day. I was just going to 'be'...and do whatever I felt led to do along the way. There is so much freedom in that. At the lodge there are rocking chairs to relax and enjoy the view. I was walking along the trail in front of them and there was a rocking chair calling me...I couldn't resist. I sat next to a very nice gal who lives a town away from me. She and her family were there to celebrate her in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. She's a sketch artist and her daughter is an aspiring photographer. We had a lot to chat about. :) Creative minds. She gave me one of her sketches of a mother goose and her baby gosling...so perfect.
I met a handful of her family and when they had to depart in order to get ready for the anniversary festivities, I decided to take a stroll. I brought my book just in case I felt led to sit somewhere...anywhere... and just relax and lose myself in the fresh mountain air and a good book. To the right of the lodge as you are looking at the lake, there is a peak that one of the trails leads to. It doesn't look that far. Sandy, the gal I was speaking to earlier said she'd gone up there earlier and it was amazing and surreal. I imagine one feels like they are on top of the world up there.
I headed out on this trail, with no intention of going 'up there'. I was just going to go...wander...until I didn't feel like wandering any more. As I headed out on the trail, however, I started to feel a tugging...from 'up there'. I needed to go 'up there'. And so after a little while I resigned myself to not reading, put the book in my hoodie pouch, and headed up the trail. I had my camera to capture whatever called me. I was wearing flip flops. My intention was not to hike and it wasn't that far, anyway.
I don't recall at what point I suddenly realized that I was past the point of no return. My body was screaming at me, my lungs were less than happy. I didn't have any water, and I had no earthy idea how much farther...because I could only see a short distance of the trail in front of me at a time. The peak 'up there' suddenly became very far away. The trail was very rocky and narrow and there was only a quarter inch of protection between my bare feet and the jagged rocks. I had my camera around my neck which probably weighs close to 5 lbs, but was feeling like 10 since I'd carried it around my neck all day the day prior, and the strap had already worn a hole in my neck. It was windy and cold, but hiking up a 45 degree angle tends to warm a persons core a bit, so I took my hoodie off (tank underneath) and commenced to completing the journey at hand. I was being tugged at and I needed to go 'up there'. Turning back was not an option.
While I was whining inside my head about how completely unprepared for this I was and how silly of me to start something I had no idea how long it would take to finish, not to mention being by myself... I realized that sometimes we just need to go there. Without thinking about how long the journey is going to be; what is needed along the way; without knowing any details. We all have mountains to scale. Lord knows I've scaled one or two in my life. But the terrain of this life is not all prairies and wheat fields. And if we think too much about the details of how to get to where we need to go, we can often get caught in complacency and fear of starting the journey because of what it may entail along the way. If I'd have actually learned a little bit about this particular journey to the top, I'd likely not have gone because it was a 3.5 mile journey, straight up, with an anticipated 2-3 hour hike time. Me, being who I am, though, who presses through the hard stuff as quickly as I can so as only to endure the agony for the shortest time frame possible...found my way to the top and down again in 2 hours flat. I don't know how I did it. I thought for sure I would colapse somewhere along the way. But I didn't. And when I reached the top, the pain and agony of the journey was all behind me. I didn't feel it. I didn't feel like I was going to die anymore. :) It was fresh air and soft breezes and a view point that took my breath away that welcomed me. Peace. I made it.
And of course the trip down was a piece of cake.
Scaling a mountain is not easy business. But once you've been there, the next time you'll know and it won't seem so overwhelming. I know why I was tugged to the top. I needed to go there. I couldn't just keep looking at it and wondering...what does it look like up there? If I'd have not gone, my wanderlust, or WONDERlust would not have been satisfied and there'd have been a hole...a void that would always wonder, until I found myself there again. But circumstances can bring any multitude of elements that might make the trip even more difficult had I scaled it then, instead of now.
As painful as it is, I love climbing mountains. :)
The town the wedding was in, is about a four hour drive from me. I had plans for a friend to watch my babe while I was away. Because the wedding was late, I wasn't going to try to drive home, tired, in the dark, for four hours. So I stayed with some friends of the family and committed to spending a little ME time on the drive back the next day. I don't get much of this; ME time. I contemplated heading over to the coast in order to breathe a bit and just be one with the ocean for a while. But instead, Crater Lake was calling me. I've never been there. There was so much greatness about this trip, but today I'll focus on mountain climbing.
When I got there, all I could think was CRAZY Beautiful! If you've never been, you really outta make it a point to go. AMAZING! When chatting with some folks about it, they mentioned the water being an amazing blue that just can't be explained. It is true. There are not words to describe how truly AWEsome this lake is. I did take some pictures and I hope to capture even a morsel of its beauty (these will also be on my photo blog in a few days). Something about the perfect purity of the water and the depth and how the light reflects...wow...just had a moment of spiritual clarity... Purity of heart creates a depth that the light of the Lord can reflect amazingly onto others... :)
Anyways...I wandered around for a while and took pictures and just allowed the cool mountain air to penetrate my lungs and my head. I didn't have an agenda for the day. I was just going to 'be'...and do whatever I felt led to do along the way. There is so much freedom in that. At the lodge there are rocking chairs to relax and enjoy the view. I was walking along the trail in front of them and there was a rocking chair calling me...I couldn't resist. I sat next to a very nice gal who lives a town away from me. She and her family were there to celebrate her in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. She's a sketch artist and her daughter is an aspiring photographer. We had a lot to chat about. :) Creative minds. She gave me one of her sketches of a mother goose and her baby gosling...so perfect.
I met a handful of her family and when they had to depart in order to get ready for the anniversary festivities, I decided to take a stroll. I brought my book just in case I felt led to sit somewhere...anywhere... and just relax and lose myself in the fresh mountain air and a good book. To the right of the lodge as you are looking at the lake, there is a peak that one of the trails leads to. It doesn't look that far. Sandy, the gal I was speaking to earlier said she'd gone up there earlier and it was amazing and surreal. I imagine one feels like they are on top of the world up there.
I headed out on this trail, with no intention of going 'up there'. I was just going to go...wander...until I didn't feel like wandering any more. As I headed out on the trail, however, I started to feel a tugging...from 'up there'. I needed to go 'up there'. And so after a little while I resigned myself to not reading, put the book in my hoodie pouch, and headed up the trail. I had my camera to capture whatever called me. I was wearing flip flops. My intention was not to hike and it wasn't that far, anyway.
I don't recall at what point I suddenly realized that I was past the point of no return. My body was screaming at me, my lungs were less than happy. I didn't have any water, and I had no earthy idea how much farther...because I could only see a short distance of the trail in front of me at a time. The peak 'up there' suddenly became very far away. The trail was very rocky and narrow and there was only a quarter inch of protection between my bare feet and the jagged rocks. I had my camera around my neck which probably weighs close to 5 lbs, but was feeling like 10 since I'd carried it around my neck all day the day prior, and the strap had already worn a hole in my neck. It was windy and cold, but hiking up a 45 degree angle tends to warm a persons core a bit, so I took my hoodie off (tank underneath) and commenced to completing the journey at hand. I was being tugged at and I needed to go 'up there'. Turning back was not an option.
While I was whining inside my head about how completely unprepared for this I was and how silly of me to start something I had no idea how long it would take to finish, not to mention being by myself... I realized that sometimes we just need to go there. Without thinking about how long the journey is going to be; what is needed along the way; without knowing any details. We all have mountains to scale. Lord knows I've scaled one or two in my life. But the terrain of this life is not all prairies and wheat fields. And if we think too much about the details of how to get to where we need to go, we can often get caught in complacency and fear of starting the journey because of what it may entail along the way. If I'd have actually learned a little bit about this particular journey to the top, I'd likely not have gone because it was a 3.5 mile journey, straight up, with an anticipated 2-3 hour hike time. Me, being who I am, though, who presses through the hard stuff as quickly as I can so as only to endure the agony for the shortest time frame possible...found my way to the top and down again in 2 hours flat. I don't know how I did it. I thought for sure I would colapse somewhere along the way. But I didn't. And when I reached the top, the pain and agony of the journey was all behind me. I didn't feel it. I didn't feel like I was going to die anymore. :) It was fresh air and soft breezes and a view point that took my breath away that welcomed me. Peace. I made it.
And of course the trip down was a piece of cake.
Scaling a mountain is not easy business. But once you've been there, the next time you'll know and it won't seem so overwhelming. I know why I was tugged to the top. I needed to go there. I couldn't just keep looking at it and wondering...what does it look like up there? If I'd have not gone, my wanderlust, or WONDERlust would not have been satisfied and there'd have been a hole...a void that would always wonder, until I found myself there again. But circumstances can bring any multitude of elements that might make the trip even more difficult had I scaled it then, instead of now.
As painful as it is, I love climbing mountains. :)
Monday, August 4, 2008
Dying to Thyself
My Soul aches. The profound ache of loss.
When I was pregnant, while I loved it, I couldn't wait for it to be over. To deliver this new beginning...this wonder. After I delivered her, of course the tum that so bulbously pronounced itself, was gone. I would always place my right hand on the side of my tum to feel her kicking. She was still in there; alive and well and making her presence ever known. Once I delivered her, though, out of habit, I placed my hand on my side and I suddenly missed being pregnant. It took me a week to get over placing my hand on my tum. It was gone; she was gone. As uncomfortable as it was, I got used to her being in there. And now I have to get used to her in a different perspective...out here. Her face has been realized. Now life has a completely new meaning.
I'm feeling this way right now...that I have been delivered of some things that have become uncomfortable. Present, but hidden. Now I am peering into the face of thyself. Now life, will have a completely new meaning. As a child is born into this loud and bright world, likely scared out of their wits, they have no other option than to trust the hands that hold them.
Matt 18:3-4
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
When I was pregnant, while I loved it, I couldn't wait for it to be over. To deliver this new beginning...this wonder. After I delivered her, of course the tum that so bulbously pronounced itself, was gone. I would always place my right hand on the side of my tum to feel her kicking. She was still in there; alive and well and making her presence ever known. Once I delivered her, though, out of habit, I placed my hand on my side and I suddenly missed being pregnant. It took me a week to get over placing my hand on my tum. It was gone; she was gone. As uncomfortable as it was, I got used to her being in there. And now I have to get used to her in a different perspective...out here. Her face has been realized. Now life has a completely new meaning.
I'm feeling this way right now...that I have been delivered of some things that have become uncomfortable. Present, but hidden. Now I am peering into the face of thyself. Now life, will have a completely new meaning. As a child is born into this loud and bright world, likely scared out of their wits, they have no other option than to trust the hands that hold them.
Matt 18:3-4
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
The beauty of ambiguity
As the world of circumstance spins wildly out of control in my consciousness, I find a morsel of peace this morning. If only for this moment, I have a sense of clarity. A new pebble to add to my collection.
There are a bazillion pieces and parts to this puzzle called life. Trying to capture every piece and part and put it together to make it look like something is futile and causes frustration and confusion. Trying to grab ahold of something, anything to try to ground myself to some understanding spins me further out of control. I cannot be defined by the things of this world; what I do; who I know; the things I desire. As soon as I find comfort in any one element, it gets abruptly yanked from my 'picture'...
I believe God allows me/us to have certain things in this life, but as soon as I start depending on it, rather than on Him, He redirects me in order to place me again face to face with Him. It is about letting everything go...the desires of my heart, my goals/dreams/wishes/expectations. He gives me desires, and I don't have to let them go...but let them go to God. Allow Him to bring them to fruition without my drive and determination to make them happen; and without an explanation of what it is going to look like.
There's a lot of baggage that is brought into each season of my/our life. Mine currently is more than the allotted weight and I'm having to pay a small price for bringing it with me. The details contained within are important, but truthfully, only serve to weigh everything down and burden the journey. I've carried them with me as a means of protection; of control. I don't even realize I've done it. But I've made the baggage my idol. I'm a single mama with a lifetime of abandonment and relational 'issues'. This does not define who I am. It is a part of my life, but it isn't my core. I am a daughter of God. I am precious beyond measure. To Him, I am not broken, but perfect and dear and am infinitely worthwhile. What He wants of me is to sit on His lap and have a discussion about how things are going...and as a gift of His undying love for me, He wants to share things with me...gifts that bring my desires to fruition. He wants to share with me His other children. Some will have a permanent place, and others will be fleeting. The form or fashion doesn't matter and I don't have to concern myself with what it will look like. Today, He asks me to be blessed and feel blessed and embrace everything that He has given me in its fullness. By projecting what it could be or would be minimizes the fullness of the gift.
If I got a bouquet of roses and loved them for a second, but then started thinking about how they are just going to die, it minimizes the value of their presence, in that moment. What a wonderful gift...roses...from my beloved. The amazing thing is that God continues to renew His gifts to us. He fed the 5000 with so little...the roses could stay alive and fresh and new every single day, if I could just value it for what it is in the moment. They will never die, unless I start thinking of the what-ifs.
So what, what if. Today, I am blessed beyond measure. In the middle of circumstances that have me completely off balance, I am stable in the Lord. And for this, I am eternally grateful.
There are a bazillion pieces and parts to this puzzle called life. Trying to capture every piece and part and put it together to make it look like something is futile and causes frustration and confusion. Trying to grab ahold of something, anything to try to ground myself to some understanding spins me further out of control. I cannot be defined by the things of this world; what I do; who I know; the things I desire. As soon as I find comfort in any one element, it gets abruptly yanked from my 'picture'...
I believe God allows me/us to have certain things in this life, but as soon as I start depending on it, rather than on Him, He redirects me in order to place me again face to face with Him. It is about letting everything go...the desires of my heart, my goals/dreams/wishes/expectations. He gives me desires, and I don't have to let them go...but let them go to God. Allow Him to bring them to fruition without my drive and determination to make them happen; and without an explanation of what it is going to look like.
There's a lot of baggage that is brought into each season of my/our life. Mine currently is more than the allotted weight and I'm having to pay a small price for bringing it with me. The details contained within are important, but truthfully, only serve to weigh everything down and burden the journey. I've carried them with me as a means of protection; of control. I don't even realize I've done it. But I've made the baggage my idol. I'm a single mama with a lifetime of abandonment and relational 'issues'. This does not define who I am. It is a part of my life, but it isn't my core. I am a daughter of God. I am precious beyond measure. To Him, I am not broken, but perfect and dear and am infinitely worthwhile. What He wants of me is to sit on His lap and have a discussion about how things are going...and as a gift of His undying love for me, He wants to share things with me...gifts that bring my desires to fruition. He wants to share with me His other children. Some will have a permanent place, and others will be fleeting. The form or fashion doesn't matter and I don't have to concern myself with what it will look like. Today, He asks me to be blessed and feel blessed and embrace everything that He has given me in its fullness. By projecting what it could be or would be minimizes the fullness of the gift.
If I got a bouquet of roses and loved them for a second, but then started thinking about how they are just going to die, it minimizes the value of their presence, in that moment. What a wonderful gift...roses...from my beloved. The amazing thing is that God continues to renew His gifts to us. He fed the 5000 with so little...the roses could stay alive and fresh and new every single day, if I could just value it for what it is in the moment. They will never die, unless I start thinking of the what-ifs.
So what, what if. Today, I am blessed beyond measure. In the middle of circumstances that have me completely off balance, I am stable in the Lord. And for this, I am eternally grateful.
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