Daddies

I read a post here about a Daddy moving his daughters to college. Moving day/weekend (however long it took) was less than fluid, but I could feel even during the process and agonies of the move that his heart was wrapped so tightly around his daughters; that he would do anything for them. How proud they must be to have him. How proud he is of them.

I can only know what any of this feels like by imagining it and vicariously experiencing it through others. My Dad is present in my life, but he has never been PRESENT. I have no idea how he feels. He doesn't communicate it. He doesn't participate in my life. He's 'the dad', but he's not THE DAD. I see him when I go visit him and he comes to see me when I get married or have babies. So I've been married twice, one of which he attended and I've had one baby. So that sums up on one hand, two fingers, the number of times he's made an effort to see me. I don't think I don't matter to him. I think that I do. I just don't think he knows how to express it. He was never taught, and so he just lives what he knows. Which isn't really a lot about fathering, since the father that he knew growing up treated him very poorly and kept him at a distance.

It makes me very sad when the circles of life cause so much pain and love is buried. It happens so much in this world. I feel the pain everywhere. And my heart breaks daily to know that people just need LOVE! I thank the Lord every day since I have found Him, for showing me what Love is. I know that in the story of my life, my earthly Father might not have a blog or journal or anything that reflects what his children mean to him, but I know that my Heavenly Father does. He is with me always; crying with me, celebrating with me, dancing with me... And I feel the fullness of His adoration. And on the day that He brings me home, I will sit on his lap and we will share the storybook of life that we had together.

I used to want so badly to be acknowledged by my Dad and I became bitter and angry and frustrated because I just wanted him to make an effort. I wanted him to WANT to see me, to spend time with me just because; without needing a reason. But my expectations are based on my needs/wants/desires...and just because I need/want/desire them doesn't mean that someone has the ability to deliver. They, too are lacking in something. Somewhere along the way their needs/wants/desires were not met and a hole was formed in their heart. And so what I have learned by receiving the love of my Heavenly Father, in order to teach my Dad about love, because his Dad didn't teach him, is to love him...like Jesus loves me. The hole in his heart that has lost its ability to pour out love can be filled. The natural 'order' of things would indicate that its the parents 'responsibility' to teach their children love...but perhaps my parents had children so that their children can teach THEM about love. I don't always feel like making the effort because its human nature to not want to give when we haven't necessarily received to our expectations...but even when I don't feel like it, I'm blessed for having made the effort. And I hope that my Dad feels blessed for the token that I send to let him know how important and special he is in my life. Because he really is. And that's not based on what I receive from him. I'm just grateful to have a Dad.