Self-Focus

I was chatting with a friend of mine last night about life...solving the world's problems, as they say. (who are 'they'?) Great conversation, as always, but we reached a place in the conversation that was painful. Reflecting on decisions I've made/not made, choices and patterns, etc. It seems I've had this pattern with men in my life of finding myself attracted to those who are perpetually unavailable and not being able to 'receive' those who are more than available and willing to offer me the world. Why is this, I wonder? Does being attracted to those not available perpetuate and validate underlying worth 'issues'? As long as I'm pining over someone who won't/can't return the sentiment, it is safe to have these feelings...and there's no responsibility attached. And actually allowing someone to love me would require opening myself up to a deeper vulnerability and responsibility to make it work; to not fail.

The deeper question, though, is why the first instinct is always to point at what is wrong. If it didn't work for whatever reason...why am I wrong in the choices/decisions I've made? What if... all the psychology of the world's view is consumed and overwhelmed with focus on thyself...and what is wrong...and what needs to be fixed. What if...Jesus already fixed it. He's wiped the slate clean. I am a new creations. Everything that is and was and will be is part of who I am... But all He's asking us to do is focus on Him; today; right now. He will handle the details of our lives, one detail at a time. Is it our human nature to be so self-focused? Or is it a ploy from the enemy...because as long as we are self-focused, then we are not focused on His truth; His divine presence and guidance in the very moment that we are existing.

I find so much freedom when I redirect focus off of myself. Yet, I always find myself going back there. Perhaps its just a part of our human nature to do so and in time, the habit will be formed to stay focused on God. For now, after I've gone there...plunged to the depths of 'what was' and got intimate with the pain again... I've found my way out of the mess and rested my head on the chest of the One who saved me from that pain. He has His arms wrapped around me in a loving embrace, stroking my hair, comforting me, and letting me know that I don't have to go there anymore. What I need to focus on now is who He is; who I am in His sight; and with eyes forward to all the goodness that He will have for me, free from the bondage of what was.

I know nothing in my own understanding. There are reasons for everything happening in this life...even our decisions based on former pains. But sometimes things will never be understood at our carnal human level. We won't see the truth in its fullness until the day we cross over and find ourselves hob-nobbing with our savior in the heavenlies.