The beauty of ambiguity

As the world of circumstance spins wildly out of control in my consciousness, I find a morsel of peace this morning. If only for this moment, I have a sense of clarity. A new pebble to add to my collection.

There are a bazillion pieces and parts to this puzzle called life. Trying to capture every piece and part and put it together to make it look like something is futile and causes frustration and confusion. Trying to grab ahold of something, anything to try to ground myself to some understanding spins me further out of control. I cannot be defined by the things of this world; what I do; who I know; the things I desire. As soon as I find comfort in any one element, it gets abruptly yanked from my 'picture'...

I believe God allows me/us to have certain things in this life, but as soon as I start depending on it, rather than on Him, He redirects me in order to place me again face to face with Him. It is about letting everything go...the desires of my heart, my goals/dreams/wishes/expectations. He gives me desires, and I don't have to let them go...but let them go to God. Allow Him to bring them to fruition without my drive and determination to make them happen; and without an explanation of what it is going to look like.

There's a lot of baggage that is brought into each season of my/our life. Mine currently is more than the allotted weight and I'm having to pay a small price for bringing it with me. The details contained within are important, but truthfully, only serve to weigh everything down and burden the journey. I've carried them with me as a means of protection; of control. I don't even realize I've done it. But I've made the baggage my idol. I'm a single mama with a lifetime of abandonment and relational 'issues'. This does not define who I am. It is a part of my life, but it isn't my core. I am a daughter of God. I am precious beyond measure. To Him, I am not broken, but perfect and dear and am infinitely worthwhile. What He wants of me is to sit on His lap and have a discussion about how things are going...and as a gift of His undying love for me, He wants to share things with me...gifts that bring my desires to fruition. He wants to share with me His other children. Some will have a permanent place, and others will be fleeting. The form or fashion doesn't matter and I don't have to concern myself with what it will look like. Today, He asks me to be blessed and feel blessed and embrace everything that He has given me in its fullness. By projecting what it could be or would be minimizes the fullness of the gift.

If I got a bouquet of roses and loved them for a second, but then started thinking about how they are just going to die, it minimizes the value of their presence, in that moment. What a wonderful gift...roses...from my beloved. The amazing thing is that God continues to renew His gifts to us. He fed the 5000 with so little...the roses could stay alive and fresh and new every single day, if I could just value it for what it is in the moment. They will never die, unless I start thinking of the what-ifs.

So what, what if. Today, I am blessed beyond measure. In the middle of circumstances that have me completely off balance, I am stable in the Lord. And for this, I am eternally grateful.