Fall

I just had a little epiphany. :O)

Fall...that time of year when all the leaves on the trees die and it gets cold and everything rests for a while...but with the promise of renewal in the Spring. I've been taking pictures of the leaves and colors and have never truly SEEN the colors of Fall until this year, as I've been capturing them through the lens of my camera. How amazing, breathtaking, and beautiful the landscape becomes...when things DIE?!

After the Fall...of man...we as humans became filled with self. And from that point forward we as a human race have been seeking to find our way back to our core; our Creator. This process is dying to thy self. DYING. But always with the promise of renewal, of Spring. We don't usually look at the process of dying to anything as beautiful, though. It is uncomfortable and painful and downright ugly sometimes. But if we redirected our focus to look at the process of dying, as a beautiful thing, like the changing of the leaves in the Fall, we might feel more inclined to embrace the process and joyfully anticipate the season of renewal that we know is around the bend.

:O)

The Least of These

As the Season of Giving approaches, it's easy to consider all those who are less fortunate. It is my personal desire to incorporate a year long season of giving, into my life; to think of others always, before myself. And not just this coming year, but for the rest of my life.

As a single woman, it can be a bit intimidating to consider how to help because the environments in which the poor and homeless reside are not always the safest. I'd like to offer a few ideas that I have been prompted to in the past few months.

There is a local market downtown (Portland Saturday Market) that is in the neighborhood of the homeless. Because there are so many people, it is a safe place to be, if alone, to do 'something'. A few weeks ago I felt compelled to go and take pictures. I have a zoom lens so was able to capture the life without intruding into their space. What I have done with these photos is post them to my photo blog and have drawn attention to a ministry that actively assists with helping them, called Bowls of Grace. I plan to create a book for them with my pictures to assist them with their ministry outreach efforts. While I was there, I had the opportunity to chat with a couple of individuals who live the life. They approached me, so I feel like they were God led. They were who I was to go downtown to see. And they asked me to pray for them, which was an amazing privilege to do. I learned during this trip that when He asks us to go...that if we just go, He will guide us and protect us and give us the resources that we need to accomplish His purpose.

I have felt a pressing to minimize and simplify the abundance of 'stuff' in my house. Stuff is just stuff. Why do I have so much stuff? I don't need it all. So I will donate my 'stuff' to the local GoodWill in order to allow them to help others who are in need. We don't always have to be on the front line to still make a difference.

I will be donating all my extra clothes to the women's shelter.

I currently work for an organization that makes shoes. Sometimes freebies are available for the taking. I've recently collected some shoes and t-shirts that I intend to bring to those in need. Any opportunity that I see/find that is giving away freebies, I first consider the needs of those who are without.

I have a collection of coats I've collected over the years and I plan to take them downtown sometime soon to pass out to whomever God leads me to.

For Thanksgiving, a friend of mine always receives a turkey for free from work. We intend to cook it up and make turkey sandwiches out of it, and provide a good turkey sandwich to those who live downtown.

I've had the opportunity to be a part of a Bowls of Grace outreach downtown and its amazing the stereotypes we create in our mind about who really lives on the streets. On one occassion we served over 200 homeless and I was surprised to know that there were only a very very small handful that were visibly drunk or on drugs (because that is what I have thought of them). The individuals I was able to speak to were genuinely humble folks who hit a rough spot and were in transition. Some are very ashamed, but are working on finding their way 'home'. My heart broke for them.

Taking a giant leap of faith to step into the world of the oppressed is a life changing experience to say the least. It truly puts into perspective the abundance that we are surrounded with.

I'm in the process of finding a new job and the job that I anticipate obtaining will provide me a great deal more of a salary than I am currently receiving. It would be very easy for me to think first about myself and about what I'm going to do with my new found 'wealth' (vacations are usually the first thing in my mind). But all I 'need' is enough to keep the roof over our head, clothes on our back, and food in our bellies. The rest of the 'stuff' is just 'stuff'. In contemplating my journey to the heavenlies (which could happen at any moment), I've thought long and hard about the legacy I will leave. Will it be found in the 'stuff' that is collecting dust in my garage? Probably not. Will it be found in the coat that I give to somebody who is cold? Or the warm sandwich to the growling stomach that hasn't had a meal in a while? I am rich beyond measure to have a roof, food and clothes. The essentials we so take for granted are not a privilege for a great deal of Americans. Here...the land of the FREE...is so incredibly oppressed beneath the obsession with self. How many financially rich people are happy because of their wealth? Probably not many. But richness and fullness is realized when handing someone something that seems so trivial to me. What about a warm hug and a smile on a cold day? Because beneath the dirty clothes and exterior is a heart that deserves some warmth and love, too.

Matthew 29:40
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Me Tired Head

I am so ridiculously tired I almost can't stand it. I say almost because there's only about an ounce of anything in me at the moment that is keeping me on the responsible adult side of consciousness. (How in the world did I just articulate that sentence...Apparently my fingers are on auto pilot.) Because really...seriously...my brain has left the building. It is taking a nap...like the rest of my body should be doing.

I love love love my baby so much and she's so worth everything that is difficult about single parenting. But probably the HUGEST annoyance and challenge I have is never getting enough sleep. The past couple of weeks have been the worst. Every chance I have gotten to get to bed early...I can't sleep and end up tossing and turning until really late...so I may as well have just stayed up and gotten things done like I needed to anyway.

Thank goodness I work in a completely casual work environment (at least for now) because today I'm sporting jeans and a hoodie. I could not muster enough strength to find anything else. Wow. I'm so going to sleep in my truck at lunch today. Intravenous caffeine would be good for now. UGH!

Add to my tired's a new job search. Job hunting is the least pleasant of my favorite things to do...interviewing sucks the life out of me. And since I don't have a lot of life to suck out at the moment, I'm praying fervently that the interviewers can see past the black circles under my eyes to see the really capable individual who wants to work her tired hiney off for them. That makes me tired to think about...working my hiney off. Cuz really...my current job is cake; I don't need to bring my brain in on most days because its just really...brainless...work. But I can't stay here because as fabulous as the culture and relaxing flexibility of this environment, it's not adequately paying my bills. If it was just me, I'd stay because I can make compromises for myself...but since I'm the sole breadwinner...I can't make compromises. Little munchkins require a certain amount of funding that is completely out of my control. And gosh, it sure would be nice if I could afford someone to come out and clean my house for me every now and then.

And with all of that said, the sad part is that I have to consider setting aside the thing that really brings me to life...my photography. Or at least redirecting my focus/time/energy...because it is the thing that I do in whatever spare moments I get. But I can't push myself over into doing that full time right now. Too much of a frivolouse expense for people to spend money on photography when they can't pay their bills and they're losing their houses.

So...today...its about survival...and keeping my eyes open (particularly while I'm driving). And it really frustrates me when I have to place myself in auto pilot just coasting...because its the only thing I have the energy for. And I can't push myself until I break. Gotta be at least partially functioning for my baby.

UGH.

There Will Be a Day

Sometimes a song will come out that grips my heart and soul...like God Himself has wrapped his giant arms around me and I'm so full of hope and love and if for only a moment, I feel absolutely complete, in His presence. This song has done that, but this time its like a huge hug that will be followed by a lengthy time apart...like when your best friend moves away and it will be a long while before you see them again. You know you will...but the missing them seems so agonizing. There's another song called 'Homesick' by Mercy Me... I've never really felt this kind of homesickness until now. My heart aches to just be 'home'...where there will be no more pain; no more worry; no more fears. But my hope for that is what keeps me alive. What an incredible anticipation... :O)

Dreams

So...it was a little bit disturbing walking in to face my boss this morning. Because I had this dream...crazy. It wasn't sexual or anything, but it was a very intimate closeness. And it was so real. That when I saw his face this morning, I had to shake my head and bring myself back to reality. My boss is totally married and even if he wasn't, he's completely not my type. And shorter than me. ha! But weird how we dream stuff like that. Where in the world did it come from? Things that make you go hm...

Why do I Fight...

There are times when my heart hurts...it yearns fulfillment...the kind that makes me feel as if I'm going to burst, but without pain...instead, overwhelming joy. I think fondly of people who've been brought to my heart, and then taken or removed. I don't understand sometimes how/why our will cannot be enough to make it work. But His Will is greater than anything we can know for ourselves...particularly in the moments we are yearning so deeply.

It is healthy to yearn. It means there's something more.

If I could just relax into His embrace...and find comfort there. He wants me to take the hands that are holding me, right now. Relax into them. And breathe. His hands are holding me.

Kinda Quiet 'Round Here...

Ya, so I haven't had a great deal of Inspiration these days. This doesn't mean I haven't had truck loads of 'stuff' passing through my brain. It just means the truckloads are not taking on any kind of form. Even a tornado has a cylindrical form...Hurricanes. Perhaps what has happened is an earthquake. :) Lots of ruckus, but a form cannot materialize until some time passes clearing up the rubble.

What HAS been happening?

Well...I'll start with the stuff I don't have a great deal of control over...Economic 'stuff'. We're all in it. I try hard not to consider how devastating things CAN or COULD get; try to focus more on God's provision in spite of it all. I realized yesterday that gas prices have dropped a whole dollar in the last couple months, but it is still a wreck to drive through the pump. For some reason my gas mileage has decreased significantly, so just because gas prices have gone down...they haven't really, if I have to fill up more frequently. I purchased cooking oil for the first time in a long time this weekend...It took me a minute to pick my jaw up off the floor...almost $5 for a small jug...of the GENERIC STUFF!?!?!?! I remember paying less than a dollar...or a little over a dollar for a BIG jug...what seemed like not so long ago. Hello! What are they putting in it? GOLD?! Okay...end gripe. [UPDATE: I visited a different grocery store...and oil was around $1.50. I took a giant sigh of relief. The other store clearly benefits from robbing their customers. Won't be visiting there again.]

Anyways...things are feeling a little dismal. I hear almost daily now of someone losing their home and families are starting to stack up on each other. I am mentally preparing myself for the same possibility in my household; that my Mom and Gramma might sooner than later take up residence in my spare room. This wouldn't be such a bad thing...I could use the company sometimes. However, losing your 'space' is hard to get used to; hard to consider getting used to. But...all things happening for a reason, I ponder how this economy could be forcing us to look at our families and depending on one another, like they did in the 'olden days'. Back when I feel like people were a whole lot less selfish and a whole lot more selfless. When God was more of the center and not our own self. Hm.

Even considering the loss of our 'convenient' lifestyles, which is essentially what we at this point are mourning, is convenience...we in this country are so RICH. My garage is full of 'stuff'. Why do I have all this 'stuff'? Because I can, I suppose. What would it look like if every penny we earned went to only our basic and essential needs...food. Clothing. Not designer clothing or pretty clothing, but clothing for comfort and warmth. Perhaps I/we could learn to appreciate our abundance. I'm a single woman with a small child who owns a home. I have no equity in it right now because of this economic ditch we've fallen into, but I OWN a roof. How rich am I?

I've decided to simplify myself over the next few weeks and start donating clothes and 'stuff' to those who are less fortunate. I've love to find someone specifically to bless with it, but I don't know anybody personally who could benefit. Fortunately there are organizations that help with finding these individuals, though. My clothes will all go to a woman's shelter. Other household items will go to Goodwill.

It's interesting how difficult it is to make a decision to downsize. Like there's some emotional attachment to 'stuff'. I admit...it is difficult for me to get rid of certain things. But if its been in my garage for a while and I haven't thought about it or looked at it or used it... then what is the point of it collecting dust? And truly, on a grander scale...if I was taken from this earth today, what agony my friends and family would have to endure sorting through this 'stuff' and having to find something to do with it. What is more important? Blessings to others will last well beyond this life. Material 'stuff' is but dust...that will choke you if you get too close to it...

So today, I'm going to start cleaning house. Clearing the clutter. Freeing my spirit and conscience to focus on more important things. Finding gratitude in all the things I have collected over the years, but finding also freedom in letting it go.

My 35th Year

Please visit a new photo project I'm working on called 'My 35th Year'. I plan to take a photo a day for my entire 35th year.

Enjoy!

I'm Moving to Denmark

Just heard on the radio this morning, this FANTASTIC revolution... for we night owls, they've begun the 'B-Society'. Those who start functioning the best after 10am. Those who have a PAINFULLY difficult time getting up in the morning. Those whose natural time clock is a bit later than the 8-4/9-5 standard.

Here's the 10 Commandments of the B-Society:

*The daily rhythm of each individual is genetically conditioned by heredity. Society needs to be structured to support a diversity of daily rhythms.

*We are calling for an uprising against the tyranny of early rising, and for a better world where a diversity of daily rhythms is acknowledged and respected, giving us the opportunity for a better quality of life, more productive working time and major socioeconomic gains once we no longer take up the same space on the same roads at the same time.

*We are working for equality between early birds and night owls.

*We are working for a more flexible labour market. Each individual's daily rhythm should, as far as possible, govern that person's working life.

*We are working for the introduction of collective agreements for early birds and night owls at negotiations for labour market agreements.

*We are working for the establishment of day nurseries, kindergartens, primary and secondary schools as well as universities that open between 10 a.m. and 8 p.m, at least.

*We are working for more research into daily rhythms.

*We grant ”B-certification” on www.b-productive.dk/eng to businesses, who allow employees to work according to their own daily rhythm, work rhythm and life rhythm.

*We are working globally for a better world that supports a diversity of individual daily rhythms, working rhythms and life rhythms.

*Imagine how differently society would have turned out if the creators of the world had been night owls!

Yahoo! I'm moving to Denmark! :O)

I Got the Jitters

It's totally been one of those awful eating days. Coffee for breakfast. Adams Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple Cheesecake for lunch (say that three times fast). Coffee for an afternoon snack. Now I'm choking down a bag of carrot sticks...because I should have some nutrition for today, yes? You know how bad carrot sticks taste after all you've had all day is caffeine and chocolate and sugar? Mmmm Tasty. Really... My hiney is thanking me for the calories. Okay, maybe not. Wouldn't it be nice if we could decide where the calories go? So...my hair is a little flat today. It could use some fullness. Calories there. On frumpy 'fluffy' feeling days, my little toe could use some calories...and nobody will notice. OH...I'd like some calories up topside please...ya...that would be nice. Okay, maybe people would notice too much. On days when sitting on hard chairs is required...ya...calories on the cushion please. :) Clearly, the sugar and jitters have gone to my head. I'm delirious. 6 minutes to quittin' time. I'll go jog to my truck...eliminate at least two of those cheesecake calories that I'm sure landed everywhere but where I'd prefer.

Happy Day Before Friday all! :O)