Navigating the Terrain of Broken'ness

I've mentioned in a former post that I have other blogs that are private. I don't always feel like the 'world' is a safe place to share some of the struggles I have in this life, so I keep my thoughts held captive from an audience that might pass judgment. That assumption in itself is judgmental...Perhaps when I remove the pole from my own eye, I can see others more clearly. What I have found over time is that honesty, integrity, and a touch of vulnerability through the journey actually gains respect and compassion; not judgment. Being real and raw and just being humble enough and vulnerable enough to share the journey with others...taking a giant leap of faith to trust that those God brings into our fellowship will care for, encourage and lift us up through whatever struggles we may have. Trust. We don't have control over the environment into which we were born and raised. But with the realization and assistance of a kind and caring and gentle Father who only wants to love us, we can make it through anything.

I am scared. Right now. Not about anything life threatening or devastating...but about a particular something 'right' happening. I've lived a life of bitter disappointment and hurt and the wounds run deep. I'd venture to guess that a greater part of the population has equally as deep wounds or even deeper, so I'm in good company. It takes a great deal of bravery and courage to climb out of the trenches. We don't see either of these characteristics in ourselves through the thick of the journey...perhaps someday someone might mention how brave we've become to have endured so much and successfully climb our way out and to the top...shining. Thus far I've scaled many a mountain and have cleared some pretty significant hurdles. I'm a completely different person than I was 4 years ago...when I had no hope or direction. I was a victim of my circumstances and didn't know how to view anything but through the bitter, hurt and broken eyes of my soul, reacting to anything and everything that was hurled my way. Today I deal with some residual 'stuff'...stuff that doesn't and can't really show itself until you find yourself in the middle of a new process. A process that is familiar in the traditional sense, but a completely new process when redefining the core of who we are; our values and beleifs.

Relationships.

How does one enter a relationship without fear and trepidation and with complete confidence, after a lifetime of disappointment? I look back to my 'first love' days when everything was new and exciting and scary...but welcomed with open arms. 'Didn't really have anything to be afraid of because I hadn't yet tasted the bittersweet agony of disappointment and hurt. Over time we somehow allow the original wound to be cut open and salt poured in...over and over...until the scar tissue becomes so thick it will take a master surgeon to cut through and navigate.

The good news is that I happen to be in acquaintance with THE master surgeon, Himself. When going in for surgery of any kind, it behooves us to trust and have faith in the knowledge and skill of the surgeon's hands. I can't imagine how messy it would be if I fought the intricate process of removing the thing that ails me. No, cut here...wait...don't cut there. How frustrating it must be for the surgeon to have constant interference. But isn't that what we do? We step in, we interfere, we redirect, we insert unnecessaries, we try to control and manipulate and find our own way. What a glorious feat to just allow Him to do His work in us. We feel no pain under the influence of novacain. Could God's warm embrace be the surgeon's novacain? If we would just allow Him to hug us without struggling to see what is over His shoulder or under His arm or behind His back, or even behind us as we embrace. Relax...into the embrace and abide in His very presence and allow His warmth, loving heart and masterful surgeon hands to do a work in us.

So long as I consciously remain in this place and trust His provision and guidance, His promises will prove fruitful. But just as we cannot see the day to day growth of a fruit bearing tree...we one day suddenly realize there is fruit there!...I, too, must be patient with the process' of my growth...and trusting that His perfect design will guarantee that an apple tree will birth apples. Thus far I've been given truth and evidence that a tree has been planted. What kind of fruit it bears remains to be seen.

(The video has no relevance...but close your eyes and listen to the song...)



Sanctus Real - I'm Not Alright
Album: The Face Of Love

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall

I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

Chorus:
I’m not all right
I’m broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to You
It leads me to You

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
‘Cause honestly I’m not that strong

Chorus:

And I move (3x’s)
And I move closer to you
And I move (3x’s)
And I move closer to you
And I move (3x’s)

Chorus:

I’m not all right that’s why I need you