Life is easy when, well...life is easy. When everything lines up nicely and everything seems to go right, and the sun shines, and you get a goody from a friend out of nowhere, and you get a discount at the store, and gas prices go down, and the baby is being sweet on the mama, and there's love in the air, and when someone gives you compliments and...and...and... But life isn't like this all the time. The only constant and consistent thing is ups and downs and change. By running all the ups and downs together it probably would look pretty even. Something about the law of averages or something. Average it all out and life is pretty good. I can't complain, really.
I'm not sure why there's so much more focus and discontent with the downs. I accept them for what they are - temporary. I suppose the process of moving through those times is the thing that builds character. How they are managed. How I choose to either react or respond. Funny we don't have to justify how we react or respond to the GREAT things in life. Perhaps the heaviness of the downs is what brings on so much focus. After a while things get too heavy and I just want to drop them. I don't feel I have the strength anymore to carry it; whatever 'it' may be. I think when I'm carrying heavy stuff, it seems I'm the only one working. Kinda like single motherhood...when I'm carrying/juggling baby (unhappy baby), purse, diaper bag, grocery bag, keys to unlock the door, and I don't have enough shoulders/straps and arms and I start dropping things. Hopefully I don't drop the baby. These moments I find myself feeling the most alone. Lord have mercy, sprout me a couple more arms and a bucket load more of patience! But...we're not the only ones working during these times, even though it may seem like it.
I've been a bit blue and listless and kinda like the life's been sucked out of me as of late. Feeling pretty alone. The irony about these times for me is that when I reach out, nobody is around or available. If someone is available, I don't feel connected somehow. It's kinda like I NEED to be in this alone spot. I've been placed her so that I become very secure in who to draw my strength from. And that's not from myself or from my friends or family. The Lord is my strength.
I've been practicing being still. Trying not to place a lot of focus on the 'stuff' that manifest themselves and create an even heavier load/mood. Just working on one moment, on day at a time. This too shall pass. The last three days I have been very pleasantly surprised by things... Since I'm feeling very alone and trying not to focus on myself, but focusing on myself nonetheless, I pray and reach for God in my limited capacity, but He seems so far away. I always feel like I'm the only one working. I'm alone. I'm reaching; waiting; praying for some evidence of sunshine through the current cloud.
Two days ago a friend of mine sent me a text message out of the blue that says the Father is very fond of me. Hm. Yesterday another friend sent me a message that said that Jesus loves me. Hmm. Another friend texts me that she's thinking of me. Today, another friend of mine sends me a text that says she senses my heaviness and has been praying for me. Hm... It occurred to me that even though I am not certain the source of my blues, that the Father sees me. He feels me. He is with me. I am not alone. I'm not the only one working. I felt very distinctly the hand of God reaching down to me to comfort me. I'm not the only one reaching. He is with me, confirming His presence through my friends. This is the joy of the Lord. While external circumstances or internal mood may be less than ideal, there is still an underlying joy that He will ALWAYS come through in just the way we need. He knows just how and where to insert a sunbeam through the cloud. It doesn't FIX what is happening...but it sure makes the journey a little bit more pleasant. Even in the desert there are flowers along the way.
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